Spiritual OCD

A.W. Tozer: "Among the gifts of the Spirit scarcely one is of greater practical usefulness than the gift of discernment. This gift should be highly valued and frankly sought as being almost indispensable in these critical times. This gift will enable us to distinguish the chaff from the wheat and to divide the manifestations of the flesh from the operations of the Spirit."




Lately, I have been praying for spiritual discernment. For those who don't know, discernment is one a spiritual gift  given by the Holy Spirit. ..The things that God has shown me this week are astounding.  I think I've learned more in a week than I have the last six months combined.

One thing that He showed me was the issue of spiritual OCD.. I found myself caught up in a trap of some sort of spiritual obsessive compulsive disorder.

I know that this may strange to some, but here me out....

I know that there are others out there that will identify with this...

There have been times when Christ has promted me to work harder. He truly taught me that. He taught me to have integrity in the things that I do. He taught me the danger of lies. I have reached a place in life where I am so careful not to lie. I see too much deception around me and I see the dangers even in the slightest twisting of the truth. When we twist the truth, even slightly, we allow seeds of confusion to be planted in others. This confusion can be the breeding grounds for spiritual death.  We are left weak and vulnerable when we are deceived.  Christ says in His Word that deceivers, of any sort, will burn in a lake of fire.
Lies are so dangerous.  I've seen people complain about other's lies and then practice deciet themselves.
Tell the truth. It's not hard.

...ok..back to the subject of spiritual OCD..

For a time I found myself obsessing over little things, especially at work. The truth is that I can see God's love for order. God has a plan..what He does is ordered.  It's something that He showed me.
I took that knowledge, coupled with the fact that He taught me to work harder, and I often found myself obsessing about little details at the jobsite.

Tiny, trivial little  details. I found myself picking up trash in the in the railyard, hoping to make things clean and ordered. I found myself nit-picking over minor details. I found myself so immersed in truth telling that, instead of rounding off numbers during my rounds, which is perfectly fine, I wanted exactitude. I often found myself spitting out exact numbers with all their decimal points and then including  tenths and hundreths and thosandths places..even when a rounded number still would have sufficed.

I kept wondering if God was going to catch me on a technicality. The thing of it is, the truth is so important. More important than many of realize...but I was at a place where I was being ruled by an unhealthy fear... I had a truly unhealthy focus on many of these little small details...

Today, Jesus spoke to me and said, "quit worrying so much about these trivial things. It's men's souls that I care about. It's people that I want." Be honest, work hard, but stop the obessing.."

The enemy will often try to come in and take away our focus. He will even try to use what we have learned from God to do it..

Have you ever seen two people nit pick about a verse in the Bible? They focus on a verse, but they forget the entire story... What is the story of Jesus? Isn't it a story of love and sacrifice? and yet, you will always find someone nit picking and fighting, mad and angry, over a verse or two...

Following the verses is important. Following the verses is crucial! But don't forget about the story.

It's a story of love and many of us aren't really living it out. 
Today, remember the story...

make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, ¹² so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. - 1 Thessalonians 4:11

The marketing and the exploitation of Jesus

this past week, I wrote a lot about how the enemy was trying to take me out. It all comes on the heels of God showing me things that He wanted me to do...He kept showing me ways that He was going to use me and showing me people to encourage and minister to...

...of course, as I am getting ready to do these things..the attacks begin..severe depression, guilt, life circumstances. Everything seemed crashing down... I"m writing down the things that I know that God wants me to do. The truth is that when God has something good planned for our lives, the enemy will try to undermine those plans.

What does God have planned for your life? Write it down.


"I can do all things through Christ Jesus who gives me strength."

Today, God showed me that I have trust issues. I love God with all that I am, but how much do I trust Him?
I had to ask myself that question today.

The truth is that I have always been a very independant woman. I have supported myself and my children financially by myself. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing in laws and parents who have literally been a life saver. They are generous and gracious toward me and my children. I am grateful for gracious people, but I am simply accostomed, as a woman, to doing a lot of hard things on my own. Twelve hour shifts aren't easy for a woman who craves to be a full time mom. I've been hurt by a lot of people in my life and the truth is that I have a hard time trusting, in general.

Yesterday, I saw how my lack of trust in people and my habit of dependance on self limited my ability to trust Christ. The truth is that I love with my whole heart, mind, and soul, but how much am I trusting Him to lead me to where I need to be.? How much of my path am I trying to carve out on my own and how much of it am I placing in His hands?  Those are some difficult questions and I am praying for answers. During the course of the past week, I am having to lean on Him for many of the things that I am facing.

I believe that when we do trust in Jesus, we grow in so many ways. I think of the verse ""I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5..... a vine supports the branches. Without the vine, the branches can't subsist on thier own. They will wither and die. They have to trust in what holds them up.  Who are we trusting these days?

I believe that there are so many false teachings infiltrating our churches today. Are we trusting in man because he claims to know God..because he speaks the part? Or are we trusting God?  Jesus said that there would be many false teachers and that they would look like us.. They are cunning and they use the word of God and twist it around to suit their own purposes.

Do you know what I truly believe God showed me last night? For years now, we have had a bottle of something called Miracle Gel...It claims to be "supernaturally charged" ...The blurb on the back claims that it contains: prayer, the Anointing of God, and spiritual and eloptic energy beyond measure for a healing for your body...

Last night, I looked at this bottle and for the first time I saw it with different eyes. I began to see how a company tried to market Jesus. They tried to bottle Him up and put Him on a shelf for profit. They promised a miracle to people in order to sell my Jesus.

Really?

I am one to believe who believes in miracles, but I don't believe they come by paying someone money. It is exploitation and it is wrong. Miracles come when lives begin to look like Christ. They come when we see the need for repentance and we seek. They come as we grow and as He teaches and guides and leads. They come with the price of a Cross.  I used to watch Christian television but I have become so disappointed in the way the Jesus is sold.  And for what? Is it so that people can live filthy rich lifestyles by selling "miracles."

People will try to sell Jesus and promise all sorts of things...material abundance, wealth, miracles.. I'm not buying into it. I refuse to cheapen Jesus.

God showed me something today. I was planning on starting a business called "City on a Hill" candle and soap company. I planned on donating 50 percent of the proceeds to good works. It was going to be a Christian company, but then I started thinking.. ..wouldn't I be guilty of marketing Jesus too..even though my intentions were good..I actually said...Oh sure, people will buy from me because it is for a good cause....What was I hoping to build? an empire? based on what?

I think that using Jesus to draw in money is a mockery to who He is..But doesn't it look familiar? aren't a lot of churches doing it?

If I sell candles, I'm not going to attach the name of Christ to it and then try to save the world through my own good works... I am the vine..you are the branches..apart from Me you can do nothing, He whispers..

We are to have good works and faith..the faith that God will provide our needs and clothe us like the lilies in the field..just like He says He will... if we remain in Him... a branch that is separate will burn.

What's sad is that I never saw this before. I thought I would've been doing good..but what I was really going to do would have been harmful to the name of Christ.

I also write songs. Recently I have had several songs that I want to record. God has given me these songs. I had thought about doing the same thing...selling them and giving part of the money to good works..but then I thought..God gave me a gift..are gifts something that are meant to be sold?

Gifts should be freely given, expecting nothing in return..

I can't help but think about the three wise men bringing their gifts before Jesus celebrating His birth.

What if they had given their gifts and then later sent Mary and Joseph a bill along with a note that says, These are my gifts, now pay up? .

I believe in the loaves and fishes stories, but last night God showed me that He prospers us through sharing. The day He took the loaves and fishes..He could've fed a few, but instead He looked around and saw that everyone needed to eat...so he freely gave and there was more than enough.  God provided the need.

I once read that tithes went toward helping widows and orphans..but then man came in and decided that tithes should started going towards maintaining buildings called churches and paying salaries for people in ministry.

Don't we know that the church isn't a building? It is us, the body of believers acting as Christ on earth, going out to the lost, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, healing the sick, and casting out the demons that society says does not exist.

God still moves. I am convinced of it because I have seen it. I have lived it. My life is a testament to the fact that He is real and that He is good.

Society has in essesce done so much to kill who and what God really is.. There is hypocracy, hatred, division, and strife amongst us and many are too blind to see it for what it is...

I want to tell a story. A family member of mine went to a church when he was a teenage boy. I'm not going to name demoniations because it's irrelvant. I'm sure he was eagar and excited to learn something new about Jesus. He went with a friend. I'm sure he was lighthearted and happy...

When he sat down..there was a huge crowd of people. A religious leader stood up on a podium and said,,"Do you know what the biggest enemy of our church is?" He thought, "Hmmm, the devil..Satan..is the biggest enemy to the church today...

But do you know what the religous leader told him? He said the biggest enemy of thier demoniation was my family member's denomination.

My family member said he sat there stunned and hurt. Imagine, a teenage boy..going into church to learn about who Jesus is and then being told that he is an enemy and a threat.

Imagine how many people have been turned away from the gospel because a religious leader has an agenda?

What happened to simply trusting in Jesus? Instead, greed and hatred disguised as truth have found their way into so many of America's churches.

That is why it is up to us to seek..Seek and you shall find?

 How does the verse go, "Be as quick as serpants and as innocent as doves.."


Just because something has the word Jesus and anointed slapped on it doesn't always make it so.
Last night, something very strange happened to me. I had a dream that didn't really feel like a dream. I could feel an immense darkness in the room. I tried to speak but no words would come. My head was held down on the bed and it started shaking back and forth. I dreamt that I went to the computer to write, but when I did, I began to feel immense pain in my body. It was such an excrutiating  pain that words can't even describe it. It was like nothing I have ever felt..like claws were literally ripping apart my belly. In the dream, that didn't even feel like a dream, I began to speak the word, Jesus..I put my hand on my belly and said Jesus and where my hands were, the pain stopped.. I kept saying, Jesus and wherever I put my hands the pain would cease. Next to me, were children of God..They were watching. Suddenly, they began to call out to the name of Jesus and put their hands on me and the pain ceased.  When I woke up, I felt sharp pains all over my body and I began to have a fear as the enemy lied to me about what he was going to do someone I care about.  This morning I woke up and saw the lie for what it was.

Many people don't belive in the the demonic but I  have experienced them in countless ways..
One really shouldn't have to look far to find Him in our society..
I see the work of darkness when I see hatred, division, right disgused as wrong, and wrong disguised as right, I see darkness in Death and in bodies lining the streets all in the name of religion.
I see darkness when I see people judging others without taking the time to love them and lead them in the right direction. We are all to separated and we put up dividing lines that so often were never meant to be there... We love on the people that look like we do and we ignore the rest. I see the enemy in that. I see the darkness in America's use of Christ as a business transaction.. "Having a form of godliness but failing to see the power thereof."

Where are we heading? It's no wonder we are heading for destruction as a nation. Instead of peace, we engage in political wars rife with hypocracy and name calling.. We look to government leaders to heal our land..because many of them claim to have God..but do they? What is their fruit?
Are they kind, loving ,patient, meek, humble, longsuffering? Do our political leaders look like Christ? Sadly, not enough people these days truly look like Christ.
As a nation, we dumb Him down in too many ways. We sell Him from the pulpit, we speak against other denominations instead of reaching out to them...We name call instead of helping others see the truth through love..I could go on and on and on...for days!

What if we all as a nation got down on our knees and quit looking to leaders to heal our land, and instead look to Christ to heal our lives? If our lives were all changed and glorified Christ, then wouldn't the entire world look like a new and different place?
Wouldn't the world look maybe a lit bit like God intended it to look before greed and sin and the throrns grew out of the beauty that He had planned for us?

I once had a dream that I believe God gave me.. Take note..We should use discernment when it comes to dreams..Even the enemy comes disguised as an angel of light. He tries to counterfeit God.

I dreamt that Jesus was standing next to pure white and glowing ball of light. In it there was no darkness. There was only the most overwhelming and beautiful sense of peace that I had ever known. There was joy it it..there was purity. it was something special to which nothing else  compared. 
That week I read the verse,
"God is a Light and in Him there is no darkness at all."

Last night I closed my eyes and I could see it..  I could see God's light and feel His peace.

In this life,  I see darkness everywhere..but I also see God..

I see Him in restoration. I see Him in healing. I see Him when I see giving and humility. I see God in the sacrifices from pure hearts. I see God in life that blooms and blossoms all around. I see God when I see people living like the true Jesus..not the one we market and exploit, but the one who marched toward Calvary so that others might live..

I see God when I see others sharing and crossing the dividing lines to love the people who don't look like they do or think like they do or even believe like they do..
Love they neighbor as theyself.. ... It doesn't mean we have to agree with everyone. It means we lead by example.. It means that we portray Christ so that they will want something to do with Him..

They need to see Him.

whew..I'm done with this post folks.

GoD Bless and LOVE YOU !!

Pray for me... I am praying for you :)



 

the proof is in the pudding....

Do you know how amazing God is? He just spoke to me while I was making pudding. Tonight, the boys and I decided to make some chocolate pudding.

We were whipping it up. I read that there were only four servings. We are a house of five. My oldest son made a remark that one of us wasn't going to get any pudding.. I said.."No, Cade..We are all family. We share. Even if it means that we all get a little less...We share.  So I grabbed five cups. When, I poured the pudding into the cups, the cups were all full.

I began to think of the story of loaves and fishes. Jesus and His disciples could've easily kept that food to themselves. But, when He looked into that crowd of five thousand strangers, Jesus saw family.

The loaves and fishes stories come through sharing.

and the proof is in the pudding...

Love ya!

for those struggling with sin and a post about my day today

Today, I woke  up and could feel the enemy fighting me once again. I prayed that God help me to put on my God glasses. When I see with God's eyes, the world around me is beautiful. There is clarity. There is wonder, splendor, hope, and love. There is peace and purpose. Sometimes the enemy comes along and blind us.

Today I was recalling my old life in Baton Rouge. A large part of my time in Baton Rouge was spent in utter and complete darkness. My life was dominated by sin that I didn't really know how to deal with or get rid of. I felt trapped in it and the enemy let me believe the lie that I would never get out of it all alive.

I remember in the midst of it all, I would sometimes pray. During those moments of prayer, even though I was far from God, I felt Him there. I felt close to Him. It was a beautiful feeling. I remember feeling such peace and joy in those moments, almost like all was right with the world. God was with me. He heard me and He was there each and every time I called for Him. I never had to look hard, He was there.

But as soon as I would fall back into sin, the darkness, the confusion, the depression would return. Finally, I quit calling on God altogether because I felt as if I was just using Him for moments of peace, and rest, and solitude.

The truth is that I was trapped in my own darkness and I didn't realize that God would help me out of it.

Later in life, I fell harder that I have ever fell and I realized how a life of sin had literally ruined my life in many ways. I decided that I was tired of struggling with it and was finally ready to hand over everything to God.

I remember the first time tempation to sin struck. Instead of giving in to it, I prayed. I asked God for His help and His guidance and refused to entertain my mind with certain thoughts. I simply asked God to take it away from me. The beautiful thing is that, after making the choice to rid myself of it, God helped me.

I no longer struggle with the same things. They are a thing of the past. If you are struggling with sin, get rid of it..make the choice..It will only destroy your life. It is the source of death and confusion. It is disease and God wants you to be a new creation.

You are meant to be more than what you are.

God is big enough and large enough and wonderful enough to help you. Ask and it shall be given..seek and you will find..

Today, I really felt as if I needed some encouragement..but God put someone in my path that needed encouraging.  and would you guess what happened then?

My spirit lifted in a way that only God could've done.

By being the encourager, God encouraged me.. He works in wonderful ways like that..

Today, He gave me an analogy.

My three year old has one of those motorized four wheelers. We were at my mom's house and were going to walk across the yard to my little abode. My dad is working on the building me a new porch and my mom wanted us to walk across the grass to go and see what he had done. I haven't seen it in a few days because I've been at work.

So we treked across the yard. The grass had grown some due to the rain. Little Brendan followed us on his little motorized four wheeler. For those who don't know, those little four wheelers don't fare so well in tall grass.  In any grass, really.. But he followed us for the trek across the yard. We arrived at the house, little Bear took his little four wheeler for a spin down the pavement for a short ride..we marveled at my dad's handiwork on the porch, and then we decided to head back home..to mom's house.. We are still staying there until the house is finished..  On the way back, little bear's four wheeler started to give out. My mom began to push him across the yard. She got really tired so I took over.. I pushed him for a while...when I got tired, my mom took over again... Finally, we made it... We were safely home..

As Christians, life is like this journey. The truth is that we all get tired. Today, I was tired. But it is so important to continue to encourage one another. We are a body of believers and we need one another. We need encouragement and we need to encourage. To give encouragement to others is a command in God's Word..

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing," 1 Thessalonians 5:11

There are many verses that tell us to encourage, but in what capacity are we doing it? Are we doers of the word or hearers only, decieving ourselves?

Encourage one another..  I am writing this as more of a reminder for myself ....

When we encourage one another..it is like we are pushing one another through the tall grass. We all get tired. Our batteries start running out..but when we follow the will of God and help each other out...We all get safely home.

God Bless

Illegal Immigration from the perspective of a "Kindergartner"

My mom went to Mexico on a mission trip. The things I remember the most are her telling me about the immense poverty there. The people lived in tiny shacks made of dirt in trash dumps. Children lived there. My mom and the crew gave out candy and she told me that the children were so excited to receive it. They would run behind the van because they were so happy to be able to experience candy..something that we take for granted was gold to them.

I have never understood why people seem so vicious and hell bent on hating "illegal" immigrants. I know that the core reason that many of them come here is so that they can escape the extreme poverty that they face. I know that many simply want a better life for their children.

I'm not talking about drugs or cartels.. I'm talking about families and people that simply want a chance at this beautiful thing called life.

As I sit here and ponder this whole thing.. I wonder what Jesus would do if he saw a family of "illegals" walking down the road...
It is my take that He would offer them something to eat and drink. Sure they would have to provide for themselves, but He would still welcome them, help them, and show them kindness, compassion, and consideration. He would rejoice over the warm beds that their children could sleep in, instead of having to lay on filthy floors made of dust.

I understand the fear...the argument is that "they will take our jobs away from us"
But didn't God say, I will provide for  you and all things work together for the good of those who serve the Lord?

All things work together for the good of those that serve Him... Don't we serve Him, when we serve others? So why do we fear the immigrants so much? Why do we hate them and bash them? What is it that we really fear? DIdn't Jesus say that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of a sound mind?  a spirit of Love? Hmmm... how can we have a spirit of love when we hate other people or talk nasty about them.

I know that this will receive backlash. It's to be expected. That's ok. I"m not out to create enemies, the truth is that if I saw you walking down the road and you had nothing.. I would probably offer you something to drink.  I would buy you some food, and if you had your kids with you, I would see to it that  you had a place to stay...

As far as the "illegals" go, we tell them that they have a border and a line that says, "Keep Out"... will those borders exist in Heaven?
Or will there be a table where the lost, the lonely, the poor, and the lowly are invited to sit?


-----------------------

Tonight, I was thinking about all of the negative political posts..the name calling ones. The ones that seem more hate geared than anything.... I had actually wrote a blog post about it, but it is still a work in progress.
As I was writing it, I had this subject in the back of my head..
As I began to write this post, I began to think.. I sound like a child... It literally sounds like a child is writing this..
and then I began to think.. hmmm. maybe that is a good thing..
Jesus tells us that  unless we receive His Kingdom like little children, we will never enter it.
I'm not pompously declaring myself better than anyone.  My prayer each and every day is for humility. Humility keeps us in a mindset more like Christ and less like ourselves.

I believe that our current system of living is flawed in many ways.  This  post is simply to cause people to think about how and why we do things. Something tells me that God's intended plan for  humanity was never what it is.. The sin in the garden and the thorns have brought us to where we ae today.  Lately, I've come to see that God intended us to share, to give, and to love. He tells us that over and over again in His Word. He tells us to be hard workers. He tells us to live with integrity.

If you have anything negative to say, then I truly don't want to hear that. I hear negativity day in and day out. 
We all talk about being tolerant of others people ideas so I'm curious if people will be so tolerant of mine even if they don't happen to look like yours?

This post was in no way directed towards any person or individual. I wrote it and later noticed a post about illegal immigration on facebook.  This was not written in response to that ..

anywho, goodnite all..
love ya

Spiritual Discernment

I woke up this morning, and on only four hours of sleep on a 20 hour day, I was in complete awe of God. I had to drop to my knees because for the first time in a long time I felt complete freedom, joy, and peace on a level that I haven't felt in a while.

I'm tired right now. Dead tired. I secretly want to roll over, but I want to share some things. Too many good testimonies die when don't share them.

Lately, I have been praying for spiritual discernment. I used to think that meant being able to defend oneself against the Accuser. But today, I saw that discernment is more than that.  Discernment is also there in order to clearly receive the thoughts from God. I woke up this morning and my mind was filled with a clarity that I haven't experienced in a very long time. I began to see myself the way that God saw me. He began to show me things about parenting, discipline, marriage, and about myself.

Today, I saw myself through the eyes of God.

Last week I was crying profusely. I didn't want to get out of bed. The Accuser came at with such force that I was left mentally crippled..

But, as Christians, we realize that we don't fight against flesh and blood, we keep going, we press on because we realize that we have a race to finish and we can see the beauty of the prize...

Today, I saw victory.

I saw God's love for me and, even though, that might sound trite or trivial to someone, ..
It is the most magnificent thing that one could ever imagine. Ever..
His love for us is relentless.

First, I will share a few things that God showed me about marriage..

I know that many people know that I have walked a hard road. It has been so extraordinarily difficult. Even today, I was tempted toward anger but my husband greeted me with kind words and  told me how much he loved me. We communicated.

The thing about God is sometimes He doesn't always want us to try to change other people. He wants to change us. He wants us to look like He does.
I have held on to anger in marriage for a very long time. But something that Jesus showed me was the role that I played. I have always played the role of Accuser in my marriage. I have relentlessly brought up the past. I have milked it and brought it up on numerous occasions. But the thing that God showed me.... is that through Grace..there is a forgetting. 
Grace forgets the Past.
The same Grace that forgot about my sins and forgot about them while the Accuser threw them up in my pretty little face, is the same Grace that wanted me to forgive and forget.
In Grace, there is a Forgetting. A letting go...

Grace says, I forgive you as far as the east is from the west. Drop it. and Let it Go...
It was my natural human tendancy to want to dwell on the hurts, but Grace bid me to lay it down.

Today, I saw that for a large part of my marriage, I played the role of the victim. But the truth is that I wasn't without sin.  Yesterday, I confessed to my husband of something underhanded I did while we were dating. I told him that I was sorry and that while I knew that God forgave me for it...I wanted my husband to know that I was sorry for playing the role of the saint.

A verse that came to mind today was this:  2 Corinthians verse 9:6 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

To me, this says..what you put into something is what you are going to get out of it....by playing the role of Accuser, I was failing to show grace and love and true forgiveness.

I'm not going into the whole scenario, but I will say this.. God longs to show us things. Everyone's situation is different. Pray for discernment.

Today, God showed me something about parenting. Lately, as I have grown closer to Christ, I can more easily spot sin. I am more aware of my own sinful nature. I am able to discern it and am learning to see it more clearly and for what it is...
As a parent, I realize that I cannot make provisions for sin in my children. God gave me an illustration today. When we make provision for sin in our children's lives, it is like trying to build a house with rotten wood. It will collapse. It's kind of like verses that talk about building your house upon the rock..

Luke 6:47-49

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁴⁷ Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is like: ⁴⁸ He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was founded on the rock.^{[a] 49} But he who heard and did nothing is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat vehemently; and immediately it fell.^[b] And the ruin of that house was great.”

If we make provision for sin in our children's lives, it is sort of like enabling that and encouraging it..by doing nothing, we do immense harm....but when we do what the word says in raising our children, raising them in the way that they should go, we build strong men and women. Strong houses.

I'm sad because I have seen "Christian" parents literally abuse their children all under the guise of correction.  To me, correction should be firm and stern..unwavering, but also gentle and loving..seeking to build up and encourage at the same time. It should speak with more than just words. We should live as Christ so that we may set the example.

Words can be meaningless when action and example are not present. If you don't want your children to drink and drive for example..don't be that kind of example. Don't do it. If you want them to speak kindly, don't just tell them to do it...Show them what it looks like...


___

Today was a day of learning and seeing. Today, I went to the Kmart and I saw a young girl walking with someone I believe to be her brother. I have seen them before but I don't recall where.
The brother is very severely handicapped.

Today, I felt God's immense love for them. Lately, I haven't felt as if I wanted to post about my good deeds. I don't want to be a Pharisee blowing trumpets in the street, saying "look at me! Look what I did." ...but I felt that God wanted me to do something nice for them. I bought them two chocolate bars, but what I really wanted was to them how God saw them.. I wanted to say them, "God Sees You."
He sees You and He loves you with a love that is unending. He sees your love for one another and it like an aroma." God Sees You. I wanted them to know how wonderful and how beautiful they both are...

In a world that shuns the mentally handicapped...God sees them. 
I walked around the store and I couldn't find them. Little bear and Dave were waiting in the car.
I gave up after about 5 minutes. Truthfully, maybe a part of me realizes that I should've walked around for longer...why?
Because love never gives up. It endures. It burns with a fire that can never be put out.

Do you know that enemy did to me last week?

He made me feel like TRASH...but do you know what God showed me about TRASH?

Have you ever heard of the fire triangle? There are three elements that are needed for fires to burn...Light, Oxygen, and an ignition source...

Maybe I was trash..but when God shined His Light upon me and blew His wind my way...It ignited a spark...and even something, that was once trash, can be set on fire. It can burn with an everlasting Light and a love and a fire that can never be quenched or put out.

I was once Trash, but through Grace, now I burn..I am on fire for the Light and the love that I believe in. I am a new creation... I am no longer trash, but fire.

May God put His fire in your heart, you are NOT trash!

There is one more thing I wanted to talk about..

Recently, I read a book by Bob Goff, entitled, "Love Does." The book is filled with  poignant and inspring stories about love..but as I have been praying for discernment... I came across something today.  I opened up the book and my eyes fell upon these words.
Faith is not about following a list of rules. This statement was tucked away in a beautiful little story.. but in one stroke of a pen, Bob dismissed the entire set of God's Commandments. I never caught this before. I know better, but to an undiscerning reader..that dismissal could have serious consequences. Discernment is important because it allows you to spot the one detrimental and destructive lie in what seems to be a sea of truth and poignancy.  It's not something to be shunned or taken lightly.
Pray for discerment. Last week I was trash..but this week, through discernment, I am fire.

Tonight, I leave you with a verse...

Luke 7:36-50

King James Version (KJV)

³⁶ And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. And he went into the Pharisee's house, and sat down to meat.
³⁷ And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,
³⁸ And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.
³⁹ Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.
⁴⁰ And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.
⁴¹ There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
⁴² And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
⁴³ Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.
⁴⁴ And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.
⁴⁵ Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.
⁴⁶ My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.
⁴⁷ Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.
⁴⁸ And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.
⁴⁹ And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also?
⁵⁰ And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace.

this past week has been really hard. Unusually and undeniably hard. Our family has experienced loss and tragedy in various ways. I'm still trying to catch my breath.

God showed me many things over the course of the past few weeks, but the enemy came and tried to rip everything out from under my feet. 

The other night, however, something beautiful happened. I was in my room.  The boys and I were getting ready for bed. I could feel the a wall of darkness all around me. It was so thick. Brendan started crying and kept getting something in his eye. Prior that he kept jumping around and refused to settle down and listen.  Cade was complaining about something. The atmosphere was very dark and I could literally feel darkness in the room.  I saw it for what it was. When I was tempted toward impatience and fussing, I found grace. I began to thank God for moments with my boys, even the rough ones..I began to thank Him in the midst of tragedy and intense warfare.. I could literally feel the darkness leave and a peace settle over us. Brendan stopped crying. Everything just stopped and all was still.

I had a realization that night. It may seem mundane to some, but if you really take the time to process it and realize it with your heart, it will bless you...I hope it sinks into you..
The realization was this...

some days I feel as if the world is cloaked in darkness. I can see it all around. But Jesus is literally right there with us. He tells us in His word that He will never leave us nor forsake us..but to actually call upon Him and have Him show up is beautiful. It made me realize that He is literally there. He had never left. He was there and all I had to do was to invite Him into the moment...

God changes so many things. He literally drives away the darkness, the fear, the confusion.

He is literally there with us, even though we do need see Him. We simply need to call upon Him to find Him.. He says, "Knock and I will answer, Seek and you will find."

Lately, I have been seeking. My spirit is becoming even more sensitive to things. I've thrown away some things that don't belong in my home. It is a good feeling, but also somewhat frightening. I am seeing more things in my spirit. I feel less like the world and I don't feel as if I can easily identify with many people. I feel alienated in some ways. 
But at the very same time, I can feel Jesus wanting to bring me to a new level in Him. Jesus tells us in His word that we will become more like Him..

"So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."  I think this verse if from 2 Corintians, chapter 3...

I feel as if I am growing in Him, but in some ways I feel he growing pains..
Anytime God desires to change us, it is a cutting away of the old self ..It isn't always easy.

Lately, I have felt the need to fast and pray for spiritual growth. God is answering that prayer. I have seen a lot during the course of the past few weeks, but spiritual growth is never an easy thing.

Yesterday, I gave up caffiene. Every time I would fast and pray, I would cut out caffine and end up with piercing migranes. they would literally cripple me. They were induced by caffiene withdrawal.
Caffiene proved herself to be a very potent drug. I became tired of struggling all the time with it, so I just gave it up... maybe, on occasion I'll imbibe..but not often. She is gone. Goodbye caffiene..

But would you know that as I made this decision..God's peace settled over me in the most beautiful of ways. Every now and again, I would feel like I needed my caffiene. It was a source of comfort, but lately my only true comfort has been time with Christ. It has been in seeking Him and knowing HIm and learning the true beauty of His prescence.

His Prescence is so beautiful and I wish that everyone would take the time to experience it...to learn from it..to let Him teach you..the lessons are never easy, but the path is never wide.

Please say some prayers for my family and please say some for me.
If you are going through a difficult  time, always remember that if you call upon Him, He will answer.
He will never leave you nor forsake you. Knock and keep knocking. Don't give up.
He is too beautiful to miss and eternity is too real to compromise.