Coping with infidelity

this past week has been one of the most humbling and humiliating weeks that I have experienced in a very long time.
I feel as if I have been crushed by betrayal.
This week, I have been seized by fear. Fear has taken the strongest parts of me and held me like a vice.
Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear.
Fear of women that I have have never seen. Fear of the ones I have.

One night I had a dream. I tried to make myself beautiful. I painted my face.... I was wearing a very pretty dress....   But still, no one wanted me....
I refuse to listen to the lies that I'm not good enough. If a man wants shallow things, then he will have a shallow life.....all I can do is try ..with all of my might..to wash my hands of the pain, forgive, and go on with a new strength and a new determination.

This week, the shallow parts of me have wanted to cause pain. The shallow parts of me have even lashed out at people who didn't deserve it....
our hurt never gives us an excuse to cause someone else pain.  Never.
There is a shallow part of me that wants my husband to pay. That wants justice! But there is this very real, Jesus centered part of me that only wants to see him finally come to the Cross and to turn away from the damaging life he leads.

This week I have felt sick to my stomach. I have felt a hollow in my gut that my husband used to fill.
I was trying to be friends with him. We would talk on the phone everyday...sometimes for an hour...
and now, even that is gone.

I hope that I can take all of the hurt that I feel and reach out to someone else that desperately needs it...
our pain should never be wasted.... we can use it to make ourselves stronger by strengthening the hurting people around us...

The other day I was at starbucks and I accidentally backed into a car. I waited for the lady to come outside. She kept thanking me for not running off.  I thought it was sad that running off has become the norm.   I saw a Jesus fish on her car.. I know that having fish on our cars doesn't necessarily mean we are living as we are called to live....but those fish give me hope that there are still decent people left in this corrupt world.
I told her that  I liked her fish. I told her that I was sorry for hitting her car and I told her that I was going thru some things. She told me some of her story and we hugged. We hugged each other tightly, and, at that moment, we were two fish....in a great big sea of people...that just needed each other.
She called me her Christmas angel, but I think that she was mine.
Love still reedems us.

When we are hurt, it's hard not to cast our stones. I have cast my own stones this week. I have actually hit a few people on the head with my stones...
but, tonight...I just want to put them down.... My arms are too heavy...and a broken heart can only be free when it learns to let go of the stones....

The other day..I was walking thru the garden center...and I saw all of this beautiful life springing up around me....I thought that much of heaven is going to look like a garden...colorful and maybe there will be water globes too. And hopefully some wind chimes. I find them soothing.

_______

In all of my  hurt and desperation, I found myself scrolling thru the personal ads hoping to find someone to talk to, simply to take my mind off of the hurt that I am experiencing.
But then I remberered what God showed me months ago  - NO man can ever fulfill me like He can.
I don't want to fall into the arms of a man as a vulnerable, helpless creature...
I want to be strong..brave, fearless..I need to love and forgive those who have hurt me. I need to realize that I can be happy on my own.
We should all come to a place where we aren't afraid to be happy with just ourselves. 
We were created in the image of a loving God.... I pray that we can all learn to love and forgive ourselves in such a way that we don't feel the need to fill our lives with people who hurt us and cause us severe emotional damage.
God wants us drama free. It took me a long while to realize that.
Our sins stir up strife and create drama and life isn't meant to be lived that way.
I'm not saying that we should all divorce our spouses and end our relationships....I'm simply saying that we need to find a place of rest at the foot of the Cross...
Seek Him for guidance and counsel, but if there is some severe drama...just get away in order to seek Him...

For all those that are going thru a hard time in your relationships, remember that you are beautiful. You are worth so much. You are loved by a man who died to know you. You don't have to let your situation define you. You are called to rise above it..not cater to the fleshly part of you that longs for revenge...
You are better than that.  Walk away if you need to, but if you walk...let the light of the cross guide your very footsteps..otherwise, you will walk blindly towards danger. Let the cross lead back to love....
God's love..is what ..reedems us.
without it, we are lost and sometimes disgusting creatures.....
we need God's love

Terribly Interesting: Is that Grizzly Adams?

Terribly Interesting: Is that Grizzly Adams?: This Blog is Updated each Tuesday. I once thought Christianity was about being an advocate for "Christian" things. I signed up for all the...

Thoughts on Black Friday

I'm not quite sure what to think of Black Friday.
On the one hand, I think it's great that people can save money. Things are expensive these days. Times are tough, end of story...

But on the other hand, I hear stories of immense greed related to Black Friday. Today I read a facebook post about a retail worker that had to help an elderly lady in a wheelchair from a stampede of greed. Fights break out every year. All I can think is: Are people really willing to sell thier souls in order to save a few dollars on a flat screen?

Is this what we've become?
Haven't we recognized that the best things in life aren't things?  Why does that seem so complicated to some?
What's even sadder is the fact that Black Friday is associated with Christmas.
Many are missing the point of Christmas entirely.   I can't help but wonder how many "Christians" are pushing and shoving in the chaotic madness. Haven't we yet learned that Christmas is about humility.
IT was no accident that Christ was born in a manger. That was a message on how we are to live. Humbly. Not focused on greed and the gimmees, but remembering to treat others with dignity and respect.

7 Days of Heaven, Day 4, and going through the storm part 2

This month has been very difficult. My stomach has been in knots for the past few days.
The other night, I was sorting through my mail. I noticed a bevy of credit card offers, bills, and promotions.  I sadly observed that there was no personal mail. I felt like I could've used a good old-fashioned hand written letter.
So I began to think of what I could do for Day 4 of my 7 Days in Heaven series. I pondered on how we all need deliberate acts of love.  So I took out a pen and paper and wrote a hand written letter to a complete stranger. I mentioned that no matter what we are going through, everything is going to be ok. I told them how beautiful and special they are, and how they have a very unique purpose. I am going to find a random name in the phone book and mail it to them with no return address.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't completely heartbroken. But I know that sometimes our hearts break so that they can be put together in a new and better way.

I spoke with my husband last night. We cried together on the phone. I am thankful that I can move past the anger. I am thankful that I can still love him. I still want him to thrive.

I have still chosen to move on with my life. I have to.
But I pray that others can forgive also.
It's easy to cast our stones at bad behaviour.  But I've walked down the aisle of bad behaviour. I've been there. I've done many things that I deeply regret. Many things were done out of complete brokeness. Some were down out of selfishness. And some were just downright wicked.

Even now, I am forced to examine my own heart. Dear God, is there anything in me that is wicked?
I can't help but a small amount of blame on myself for the way that things turned out.

Last month, something beautiful transpired. I was looking at my ten year old son, Cade. Jesus spoke to me and said, "Rachelle, wash his feet."
So I did. I said, "Cade, this is going to sound silly, but do you mind if I wash your feet?"

There is a story in the Bible.. a prostitute washed the feet of Jesus. It was a very deliberate act of love. She took his feet in her hands. She rubbed them with oil, and dried them with her hair. One day I asked Jesus, "Lord, how can I wash your feet?" He told me that by washing the feet of others, I would wash His feet.  So I have tried to wash the feet of others ever since. We wash each others feet with acts of kindness and deliberate acts of love.

After I washed Cade's feet, he started to cry. I could see that something inside his little ten year old heart, broke.  He began to tell me that he didn't want me to go to work the next day. I think I cried too.

Even in my marriage, I wonder....What if we had washed each others feet every day? What if?
What if I had washed his feet despite all of the pain that I endured?
Would things have turned out differently if we washed each others feet?  If we had both taken the time for deliberate acts of love? Of course, things would have turned out differently.

Deliberate acts of love redeem us. Deliberate acts of love break down walls.
If anyone could learn anything from my heartbreak,
learn to forgive
Husbands wash the feet of your wife. Wives wash the feet of your husbands.
Mothers. Fathers. Wash the feet of your children. Children, wash your parent's feet.

we only have a short time on earth. Lets try to get it right. Take time to wash the feet of others and wash the feet of Christ.

even despite the immense pain that I feel, one day, I am going to see David and I am going to ask him if I can wash his feet. He is broken and I still love him.

Even though I feel I have to move on, I am still going to wash his feet.

In my letter to the random stranger I wrote, "even though we are hurt, love relentlessly anyway."
Love redeems. Love has face that looks like Christ.
What would the world look like is we loved relentlessly?
The world would look like heaven.

A cry to the Father

Have you ever cried out to God...Why me?
When is it my turn, Lord? When will I get my day in the sun?

 I have, and this is what He told me.... "Rachelle, Do not lament over the things that are lost, instead rejoice in the beauty around you.  The time is now.  Today is our day. We just have to recognize the beauty around us...forget about what is lost...and rejoice. Even when the clouds loom, the sun is still there.

7 Days of Heaven, Day 3

I almost abandoned this post tonight. I wasn't in the mood. A lot has happened throughout the course of this day.

It seems that every day I try to tell someone how beautiful and special they are in the eyes of God. Tonight, after I learned of infidelity in my marriage, many people told those same words to me.

Though the words were encouraging, it seemed that I was falling so fast that everything seemed hollow. Nothing seemed to matter. I guess nothing really does matter when it feels like your guts are being ripped from your very core.

Tonight, I could feel the enemy. I could hear his lies. Rachelle, you're not good enough. Rachelle, you could have done more. Rachelle, you aren't worth the truth. Rachelle, you will fall into a depression and this time you won't come out of it.
There was a point tonight when I listened to the lies in such a way that I could literally see myself helpless.

Today, I listened to the lies and I brought no heaven to this earth....

My brother in law and sister are in from North Carolina. Tonight, Eric pulled out his guitar and he began to sing. He sang an old hymn called, We've got the Power.

As he was singing, it was as if I could feel Jesus right there. I could feel this bright bright hope. As Eric was singing, I could see my grandma dancing on a distant shore. And then, I knew that everything was going to be o.k.

Tonight, I didn't bring heaven to earth, but my sister and her husband did. And so I want to thank them.
When we praise the name of Jesus we bring a little bit of Heaven to this dark earth. When we raise our voices to the most High, something bright and brilliant shines through. He is glorified and a little bit of Heaven falls back down...

This week I had it all planned out. I knew exactly what I was going to do for my 7 days in Heaven blog. But things didn't quite turn out like I expected.  And from that I learned a valuable lesson.
Don't we plan out our lives..We think we know how the story will end....But the truth is that we can't control the characters in our own stories.
No matter how hard we try, we can't control what happens to us and we can't put people in a jar and make them love us.
But I am learning that though life is unpredictable, our God is firm and steadfast. He is there regardless of our circumstance. The winds may blow around us..the storm may rage...but He is still there.  He never promises us that things will be easy. Contraire.... He tells us that the path is hard. He tells us the road is narrow. He bids us not to quit and lay face down in the mud when people push our faces in the dirt. He bids us to go anyway.
So tonight, I resolve to go.
To not let this affect me in such a way that I am willing to let it interfere with my walk. I will be at the finish line. I will walk the narrow path. I am an overcomer through Christ who strengthens me.

Give me your hand let's agree together

that all of our enemies will crumble at our feet

for whatever we bind on earth shall be bound in heaven

at the name of Jesus, Satan has to flee

We've got the power in the name of Jesus

We've got the power in the name of the Lord

Though Satan rages we cannot be defeated

We've got the power in the name of the Lord..

Tonight, please say a prayer for the Farque family. Mr. CJ went to be with Jesus. He was an amazing man and a beloved member of my church. God Bless you Mr. CJ. Give gran a kiss for me.

Sunday in the South: How to stop hearing from God

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