I went to a church service several months back...a guest speaker and his wife were there.
They said a prayer for me at the alter.
The lady, I wish I could remember her name, called me a "great woman of God."
When she spoke this, I was going through many things. I was having a very difficult time. I hadn't done anything at the time to warrant the title. "great woman of God." My walk had essentially just begun.
Her husband was speaking about how he used to be addicted to meth. He spoke of how he had a very serious drug issue but his grandma would remind him on a regular basis that he was a great man of God. He didn't see it at the time..but his grandma could see something in him that others could not. His grandma spoke a blessing into his life. Her words had the power to give hope and to heal. Now, the man travels around the world with his wife helping others. Giving to those in need.
I didn't see how I could ever be a "great woman of God." But now I see how the power of words have the ability to heal and build up. Words are such a powerful force.
But I can see how words can kill. In the Bible it talks about how our words are like sparks that can set huge fires. They have the power to destroy. Lies....lies often come in the form of words...I have seen how dangerous and deadly they are. I have seen how lies kill trust and create hatred.
I think about all of the difficulties I have had in my marriage. All of the lies. I feel like I have been set on fire many times by the power of lies. Lies have burned me, so to speak.
But I know that the Word of God has the power to heal....
Sometimes when I think about my marriage....I've actually been separated for a while..I'm writing a post on that as we speak....I wonder if words have the power to rebuild what has been lost...It seems that everytime I come to a new, fresh place of forgiveness, something else happens....and I lose the heart to speak the healing words.
God showed me something. It should come as no surpise. He wants marriages to work. All too often we want to give up. Isn't that the easy way?
But I know that we cannot force someone to love us....I know that we cannot take trust and create it with our own two hands...
One day I felt as if God was showing me that He wanted my marriage to work. Of course, He does! He wants them all to work. The walk isn't about us...the walk is about our children..and those we will affect... I felt like He wanted to take everything and turn it into something, where it seemed like nothing. I felt like it was that tiny seed of nothingness, but He wanted it to grow and prosper. But so much trust had been lost. So many things had been done.
I have found that He has led me into places of forgiveness that I never thought possible. I have found that He has taught me to trust in Him and Him alone.
One day I was saying a prayer, I said, God, if you truly truly want this to work, please let me hear it from someone else. Confirm it through someone who knows nothing of my situation. I said, I want to hear the word, "transformation."
I was at a church service. A guest speaker was there. My pastor called someone to front who needed a "marriage miracle." I thought, hey, that's me. So I answered the call. The guest speaker's wife prayed for me...as I was walking away..the guest speaker said to expect a "transformation" soon.
What is so sad to me is that so many couples call it quits after a few spats or after a "falling out of love." So many people just quit after going through much much much lesser trials than I have gone through....
I must ask, what is love? I know what it is...It is written,
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not rude, or self seeking. Love doesn not boast. It is not proud. Love is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the Truth....
To me, true Love is the source of all that I seek...Jesus is the true source of love...
But so many, it seems, have turned thier backs on Him..and marriages are failing as a result.
If I had sought Jesus from the beginning, so many of my problems would have been solved.
He showed me that while I don't have to put up with abusive behaviour, I can still come to places of love and forgiveness...
But I guess we cannot force someone to love us in return...We cannot force truth to spring forth from their lips. We don't have that power.
I have often wondered...will God transform my husband? I know that my husband has a choice. He can freely choose....to walk in darkness, which I will have NO part of....or to live in Light...which I will embrace... I also know that God can open the eyes of people. He is capable of All things. "Nothing is Impossible with God."
I know that for a while, my husband and I began to pray together. He attended a few church services with me. I was beginning to see change. And then, as soon as I began to trust, I found some things that shot the idea of maritial reconciliation right out of the water.
I wonder if people are casting thier stones at me. Wondering how and why God would waste his time on a "separated woman." I can only imagine how people who are divorced must feel.
But do not cast your stones. Carry your cross of love. I feel no sadness. Only joy. I have learned simply to "let it go" and place all of my cares and worries in the Hands that Heal.
I often wonder how things will be gotten back....I know that God can flick those switches in our brain....He can open our eyes in so many ways..
but I still often wonder if I will ever be able to trust in man again.
I remember when I first separated, I thought it was the end of the world. I thought God would hate me. I thought it would spell doom for the lives of my children. Even though I was in a horrible horrible situation, I still believed these lies.
One day, shortly after I decided to separate, I was feeling very very sad. I was playing with my boy, thinking so many negative thoughts...I looked up, and it was as if my baby boy was clothed in light. He seemed to be glowing almost. Suddenly, I realized that God did not hate my boy because of my "separation." He loved him. He showed me that day, His immense love for my children...
I would never promote divorce or separation. But it doesn't spell the end of the world. God has brought me into so many beautiful places since my separation. He showed me that while I don't have to put up with being treated horribly, I can still walk in love, purity, and forgiveness.
In the meantime, I wait. I pray. I trust. I listen for that beautiful voice.
I know that Jesus wants us "All together." He wants us, as families, to walk with Him one day. He wants us whole...Some days, sadly, when I think of a family in our "all togetherness" , I think of my immediate family. Me, my kids, my parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, nieces, nephews, grandparents, etc, etc....you get the idea. Sometimes, when I am hurt very deeply by my husband's actions, I don't consider him in the realm of "all together"... But last night, I looked at my baby boy...He is but an infant..only 2 years old, but I know that he wants his family all together. I know that he wants his mom and his dad to one day walk with Jesus.
Please read my post entitled All Together..Here is the link:
http://letmewashyourfeet.blogspot.com/2011/04/all-together.html
I know that my love is not perfect....Love keeps no record of wrong...but it seems that sometimes, even though i forgive, do I hold onto the hurt? or am i merely protecting myself?
I don't know....all I know is that He wants us all together. I wish we lived in a perfect world.
Marriages used to work, but now people quit too easily. The roots of darkness are deep.
But the light only grows when we spread it...spread it on the dry, dusty ground.
Today, spread some light on your marriage.
Quit any dirty deeds that you are doing. Live in the Light...
Forgive.
I forgive but it is hard to put yourself in the path of a twister...that darkness that longs to uproot...
In the meantime, I wait. I pray. I trust.
I remember the rest of the verse about Love..I am paraphrasing...love always protects, always hopes..always perseveres...
Changes are on the horizon. The promise of a transformation is at hand..but there is a beauty in the fact that we have a choice..and HE will love us and our children..no matter what we choose.
There were times when I wondered, Why? Why, Jesus? Why would you continually lead me to forgive someone who has hurt me so much so many times? I know the answer.
By continually leading me into forgiveness despite repeated wrongs, He showed me His very own character. He showed me that often, we walk all over Him by continuing in wrong doing, we ask for forgiveness, receive it, and yet still continue trodding along the same path. Yet, He continually forgives. I have a much greater appreciation for Him now.
I, personally see how much it hurts to forgive and yet still be wronged. I know how He must feel.
Doesn't He get tired of continually forgiving us of our repeated wrongs against Him? I don't know. But I know that I get tired of continually forgiving someone who repeatedly wrongs me.
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