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Friday, November 3, 2017

HOW TO GET RICH IN MINISTRY : A SPOOF

1. Sit yourself in the Seat of Moses (position of authority), give yourself an "honorific title," and put yourself "over the flock "even though Jesus condemned those who gave themselves positions of authority and honorific titles. (Matthew 23:8-12, Luke 20:46-47, Matthew 23:2)

2. Write a book that is wrapped in Christianese but has nothing to do with the gospel  Make sure it is a book that caters to fear. Fear sells and appeals to the masses. Throw in an occassional bible verse to make is sound "authentic." 2 Timothy 4:3

3. Demand a tithe, even though tithes were food that went to the Levitical Priests of Israel, the widow, the poor, the orphan, and the traveler. Instead, make tithing all about you. Don't teach that the New Covenant model for giving is to give "what one has decided in one's heart" or "as one is able." 2 Corinthians 9:7

4. Take verses about tithing curses out of context so that you can scare believers into giving to you. (For the context of Malachi, click here) Don't tell New Covenant believers that Jesus became the curse for us (Galatians 3:13) Instead, use Malachi as a means to extort them for money. (even though tithes were food)

5. Tell the congregation that "your church" is the storehouse, even though the bible says that Jesus doesn't dwell in temples made with human hands, and the storehouse in the bible was a literal place to store food.

6. DO NOT TEACH on the priesthood of all believers. People need to think that you are more special so that you can keep getting paid for your exclusive and divine knowledge. You are a mediator, after all. Nevermind the fact that the Lord is OUR shepherd, and the Bible says that Christ is OUR ONLY mediator. Dont let the believers read 1 Corinthians 12:12-20 that states that "no one part of the Body is more important than the other" and don't let them fully understand that it is the HOLY Spirit that leads us into all truth. Instead, tell them that YOU are the one who "feeds them spiritually" so that they won't comprehend that "HE ALONE GIVES OUR DAILY BREAD."

7. Boast about your special anointing and how you hear from God, even though the bible says that we are all anointed, and the Holy Spirit speaks to each of us.

8. Preach an ear tickling doctrine. After all, the bible says that people will gather around a great many teachers to hear what their tickling ears want to hear 2 Timothy 4:3 Do not take the whole council of scripture, just preach what appeals to the most people so that they will stick around and continue tithing to YOUR "ministry."

9. Sell God's blessings even though the Bible clearly says that God's blessings are not for sale and the apostles rebuked Simon the Sorcorer for trying to buy the gift of God with money (ACTS 8:20)

10. Tell everyone to "plant a seed" in your ministry, and then tell them that reap a one hundred fold harvest. Don't tell everyone that "the seed in the Bible refers to the Word of God and not money"  Don't mention that the harvest in the bible refers to human souls  and do not let them realize that we should give "expecting nothing in return."

11. Take the writings of Paul out of context so that you get more money out of the sheep. Preach about how Paul received donations and gifts. Don't tell the believers that Paul took up a collection for believers who starving because of a famine in the land. And most certainly, don't preach about Paul "working with hands as a tent maker so as NOT to be a burden on the church"2 Thessolonians 3:8

12. Use "forsake not the assembling verse in Hebrews" and make it apply to church attendance, even though that is not why the verse was written. Drill mandatory chuch attendance in people so that they will continue to pay you YOUR tithe and keep the religious system running. Do not tell the people that "chuch is not a building" and that the role of a pastor is a function and not an office. Do not tell people to "go and make disciples of others" or to preach the good news. Instead, just keep them coming to hear YOUR sermons.

13. Set yourself up as king,but call yourself a "servant." In the book of  1 Samuel, the people demanded a king. God warned against it, and told the people that a king would "take ten percent of their wealth."1 Samuel 8:13 However, they begged for a king and God gave them  Saul.
 Kings take and demand money from others so that they can live lavishly. True Shepherds follow Jesus and not religious leaders. True shepherds give to the flock, instead of hoarding wealth.

14. DO Not let the believers know that the New Covenant model for giving is sharing. (Acts 4:35, See Feeding of the 5000)  Galatians 6:2  Then, you may be held accountable for your actions, and the people may catch on that you are a false shepherd.

15. Do not let people that the church is a people, not an organization or a religion. Don't let them know that church according to the Book of Acts was a vibrant community of Believer who broke bread together and fellowshipped in homes. If the people caught wind of that, the religious system would be in jeapordy and people might start helping one another out, instead of building more buildings and paying "special" clergy

16. Tell the congregation that you are their "spiritual covering" even though the Bible clearly says that Christ is our covering. ( 1 Corinthians 11:3  ) Tell them that if they "leave YOUR covering" then something bad will happen to them, or the "wolves will get them." Make sure to keep your mouth closed as much as possible, so they won't know that YOU are the wolf!-


17. Preach the prosperity gospel. Tell everyone that God wants them to be rich. Sell God's blessings. Just don't preach out the verse where Jesus flipped the tables of the moneychangers in the bible. Drive around in the finest car and build a huge house. People will pay for what they want to hear, and you are benefactor!

18. DO not tell people that a "pastor' is not a position of authority, but it is a function, and it simply means to serve. (example, Jesus) THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHERD!