Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I think God sometimes gives me visions of laughter.
My husband is a man bound by sin. His life is filled with overwhelming darkness. He hasn't yet surrendered his life to Jesus.
One day I looked at my husband and I saw him as God sees him. I saw my husband laughing. I could see what he would look like in Heaven.
It was the strangest thing because I have never truly seen David happy. But one day, Jesus showed me what David would look like if he would surrender his life to Jesus and turn his back on the darkness that is threatening his very life.
His eyes were closed. His head was tilted back and there was a very real, very joyous laughter that emitted from his lips.
Jesus showed me that this is He wants for everyone. He wants us to laugh,
The image is beautiful.
So reader, whoever you are,
whatever emptiness dwells inside you...wider than canyons run deep...
whatever your vice...
no matter your past..
Jesus wants you to laugh.
Monday, August 29, 2011
earlier in the night, I was mopey...quite depressed about many things that are going on in my life.
After a moment of prayer and "handing it over" to Jesus,
I feel like I can handle anything and tackle the world.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Someone I care about struggles with addiction.
Addiction is hard to wrap the mind around.
On the one hand, I want to understand it..
On the other hand, I simply desire to run as far away from it as possible.
People with addictions cannot give themselves entirely to anyone.
They are bound by thier vice.
There are days when I literally feel trapped in a nightmare, not really understanding what to do next.....
So I continaully turn to God for comfort and strength and He lifts me up each time.
But this has been a trial and hard road to travel.
My addicted love one is in complete denial. On the one hand, denial becomes easy.
It would be easier not to face it....but the hard truth is that addiction kills. It kills not only the physical body, but it kills trust, it kills so much.
Addicts tend to lie. Addiction is it's own demon.
But I know that nothing is too big for God, so I know that I must place all in His hands.
Please pray for my addicted loved one.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I don't want this post to sound cynical, but I have always wanted to experience mutual, shared love, respect, and trust.
I have always fallen for the typical "bad guy." I guess my naive heart thought that things would always change. I wasn't truly following the Word back then and there are some serious scars from previous relationships that I am trusting God to heal.
The past month of my marriage has been a rollercoaster. There have been arguments, bitterness, and strife. But through it all, I have turned to God for counsel and guidance.
Each time He brings me out of my quandary and shows me something else about myself that needs to be mended and brought to light.
He has humbled me in many ways. I think many of the marriage problems that I was having are simply a result of my failure to get over the past. I have caused myself unnecessary worry over very trivial things. Sometimes I wonder if maybe my husband did change...only I am willing to not get over the things that were done.
God is teaching me how to handle my emotions with grace and dignity. I am learning how to truly forgive and speak words of life into the lives of those who have hurt me.
But I am still having trust issues. My theory is that once trust is broken, it is so hard to get back. That is why God commanded us not to lie.
I know that God is the only hope for this marriage. I am slowly learning to place everything in His hands. The hurt, the situation, everything.
But I have also learned through this process...that people will continually let us down. There is only one Man we can truly trust in this Life. ...
Please say some prayers that God will continue to work in this situation.
on another note, I realize that this issue isn't really that huge. Nothing is too big for God to handle. I mourn for the people in Africa who are dying by the thousands due to drought and famine. I mourn for the loss of lives due to hurricane Irene. And I mourn for the thousands of abused children that I constantly read about in the news.
I guess that puts things in perspective. Our problems are small and trite compared the trials of many.
Please pray that God will strengthen me.
Today I was at the grocery store and I saw an elderly lady pushing her buggy through the aisle.
I felt like maybe I should approach her and offer to say a prayer with her. A prayer in the middle of the grocery store? I know, it's not something that is "done in our society"...
I felt a true, genuine compassion for this little old lady that I have never met. I am so thankful for compassion. It is how I know that He is with me.
I wasn't sure if God was telling me to approach this lady or if it was"my idea." But, in retrospect, God writes on our Hearts and Minds....
Jesus wanted me to pray with her.
I want to come to a place where I have no fear of stepping out in greater ways. I read the verse, "perfect love casts out all fear."
I have been praying that God not only abolish my fear.... I pray that He perfect my love.
Today, ask Him to perfect your love.
I couldn't help but cry as she spoke about the loss of her mother and father and the many hardships that she has gone through.
Melonie has been an inspiration to many people.
Take a moment to read her blog.
I love all of her pictures. That is one thing my blog is lacking. Good pictures. I had a camera but it broke. ...but I love a blog with good pictures.
check it out...
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
1. had lunch at a park in England where a squirrel climbed on top of my lap and tried to eat my apple.
2. Spent Christmas in England..We didn't have a Christmas tree so one of my buds decided to go to the campus to dig one up.
3. Took a trip by myself to Ireland, met a very cool Italian girl from Austrailia named Claudia. Went hiking in a little town called Howth, north of Dublin. Picked up a hitchiker, named Dan Breen. We thought he was so cute, we tried to find him a few days later but couldn't.
4. Took a trip to the dales of northern England, just so I could see the sheep in the fields. Baaa.
5. Bottled up some of the North Sea and saved it for my sister.
6. Walked across London Bridge, sat in front of Big Ben, saw the crowned jewels at Buckingham Palace, and went on a tour of the Tower of London.
7. Got a Private Investigator's License, just because.
8. Saw the graves of one of the Bronte sisters and went to Scarborough fair
9. I have driven a train at my job and I can operate a forklift. Woohoo.
10. Got two degrees. One in Advertising, with a minor in English. And one in Plant Process Technology.
11. Wrote the song that I sang at my sister's wedding.
12. Climbed Dunns River falls in Jamica and drank Blue Mountain coffee in the Jamican Mountains.
13. Went to Edinburgh, Scotland with one of my roomies from Hull, England. We stayed in a youth hostel.
14. Walked in castles and abbeys.
15. Rented a jeep and paid a guy named Pedro to drive me and a friend around the island of Cozumel. We ate mango to our heart's content and stopped at beaches to get our toes wet.
16. Ate an overpriced hamburger in Grand Cayman.
17. Saw the actor Harry Hamlin at an airport in Canada. He smiled at me!
18. Worked at a cajun restuarant in Baton Rouge, where there was a full fleged zydego band. I got fired for playing an air guitar.
19. Saw Elton John in concert (twice), The Who, U2, The Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton, Bad Company, KD Lang, Yes, Collective Soul, Train, Shania Twain, and went to Crue Fest back in my concert hopping days.
20. Went to the top of Pike's Peak, the Denver Art Museum, The Garden of the gods, drove thru Kansas, camped in the Smoky Mountains, saw a 6 legged cow in Kansas, along with some cute little prairie dogs, marveled at the wonders of Carlsbad Caverns and walked the streets of Santa Fe with my son.
21. Took a sign language class.
22. Performed in a few college plays.
23. Dated a professor
24. When I studied abroad in England (thru LSU), we stayed in a student house. I lived with people from all over the world. Three girls from Italy, two girls from Spain, one girl from France, and a guy from the UK. Several nights a week, the Italians would have Italian dinners at various friends houses. We indulged on homemade spagetti, Italian coffee (Lavazza) and toasted bread dipped in olive oil.
25. Had coffee and beignets at Cafe Du Mond.
26. learned an Irish Dance
27. had a meteor shower party, with a huge bonfire, a bevy of hotdogs and buns
on the coldest night of the year.
28. rode on a riverboat in York England at night with my mom, saw the famous church in the movie Elizabeth, and gazed down at York's famous red roofs.
29. ate lunch at a cafe in London, saw Rembrants and Picassos, and saw the double decker buses, fed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square, and went to madame Tussand's wax musuem.
30. Ate dinner on Royal Carribean Cruiseline, my Turkish waiter kept calling me, Julia.
31. Sent my boy Cade to Disneyworld.
32. saw the Great Roman Baths, in Bath, England
33. lived through a hurricane
34. fished at night
35. My name is Rachelle. I love adventure. I have had many and I will have many, many more. My life up to this point has been filled with wonder and sorrow. I have to say though, that the coolest and most precious thing I have ever done. The most important experience in my life, was when I surrendered my heart and soul to Jesus. Everything else is futile and fleeting in comparison. No joy comes near simply claiming the love and joy that He has for us. Every day with Him, is an adventure. He leads us into unexpected places and bids us to bring hope and joy into the lives of others. Nothing else compares. Nothing else even comes close!
So I begin my next set of adventure, only this time...I Go with Jesus.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I was inspired after reading about the 9/11 cross. I've heard stories of churches that burnt to the ground, and yet thier crosses were still standing.
I was half asleep and my baby Brendan was lying next to me.
Jesus, said, "Rachelle, nestle close to your baby." So, I did. I pulled little baby bear very close to me.
A few moments later, I had a dream. I dreamt that there were children in our church going on mission trips. I don't know where we were going, but we were going somewhere to help others and spread His Love.
When, I woke up, I asked Jesus why He wanted me to pull bear close to me.
This is what He said, " To show you that I am drawing the children close to me."
I am writing this to let whoever reads this know that now is the time to train our children in His ways, teaching them right. And setting an example in both speech and action.
Jesus wants to use our children to bring others to Him.
Through the tests, I am learning many things about myself that need to be changed.
I am learning that I do not handle anger appropriately.
Sometimes, when angered, I say things that I shouldn't say in the midst of all of the red.
I am praying that through these angry "situations" that I can learn to develop patience in a much greater way.
I have learned to largely stay away from people that deliberately anger me. But I realize each time that I get angry a part of me still holds onto the past.
Many hurtful things were done and I am struggling to find complete forgiveness. Or it seems that when I come to a place of forgiveness, something, even trivial, brings me to places of anger all over again.
I am praying that God change my heart in a greater way. Anger only hurts the people who carry it around.
On another note, some pretty amazing things happened in the midst of all of the cacophany.
Lately, I have been writing songs. Lately, I have had a lot of confusion over which musician to help me with them. One charges too much. Another has very little free time. So, the music endeavor has been a source of joy and frustration.
The other day, I said a very sincere prayer, "Jesus, please speak to me about the songs. I am writing them to bring others closer to you."
Less than a week later, I was at church. My pastor said, "Rachelle, Jesus told me to tell you will be writing songs." There was more, but I can't remember. Jesus spoke to me about the songs just like I asked Him too! Now, I will no longer wonder if it is God's will for me to pursue songwriting. I know that it is.
Jesus spoke something else to me that day. Lately, when I pray, I ask Jesus to make straight my paths... It seems that I am always tried and tested. I feel as if I am always coming against "mountains" in my life. They come in the form of spiritual warfare, my marital situation, and so many other sources of discontent that I sometimes struggle with.
In church, my pastor also said, "Rachelle, Jesus wants you to know that all of the mountains that are in front of you are soon going to come down. Jesus wants you to know that He is proud of you for the stand you have taken and that He loves you.
I was crying as I was being told all of these things. There are days when I feel the mountains are so high. And there are day that I feel as if I make no difference to anyone. But Jesus says otherwise. The mountains are coming down and He is proud. Those words bring comfort to my heart and hope for my sorrow.
There was a day several weeks ago, when I asked Jesus, "Jesus, where do I stand with you? Am I making a difference? Are you proud of me?
Well, He answered. He is faithful to those that seek HIm.
On another note, I am going to sponsor a child through Back2Back ministires. He lives in an orphanage in Cancun. His name is Abisai, and he is adorable. I think B2B is a pretty legitimate charity. I have done research as of late on charities, in hopes that I don't get scammed.
Sadly, there are charities out there that look to take advantage of those with helping hearts.
I'll get to write him and even visit on occassion. How cool!
Anyway, I hope everyone's day goes great.
Keep me in your prayers, and I will keep you in mine.
Your mountains can come down too. Ask Him.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The title of the blog was "The Love Dare." I became a bit curious so I did some reasearch. The Love Dare is a book that was based on the Christian movie, Fireproof.
I became even more curious so I decided to watch Fireproof.
I think that any and every couple should watch this movie. It gleans biblical principles and teaches you how to use them for your marriage. It was heartfelt and moving. It portrayed Christ in a way that very few movies do. I was impressed.
I know that it takes two to make something work, but I think I am going to order to the book and give it a go. I know that it certainly won't hurt anything, and I know that I will learn from it.
Kindness towards the ones who have hurt us, force our heart to grow in very unexpected ways.
I am praying that, if nothing else, I will learn and grow from this experience. I pray that acts of kindness toward the one who hurt me, will link me closer to His own heart.
tonight, I challenge you to order a copy of The Love Dare. See where kindness takes you.
If you don't have a significant other, make your own version toward someone who has hurt you.
At first, I thought that maybe there were turtles inside. As I walked towards them, I noticed that they were empty. Hollow.
Immediately, I became somewhat sad. First and foremost for the obvious reason. Four dead turtles.
As I saw the hollow shells, I thought about how many of us are like those shells. Hollow and empty.
There are days during the trials of my relationships when I have felt hollow and empty, even as Christian.
Tonight, I have been reflecting on the verse that says that we are to have life, and have it more abundantly.
To those whose children are lost, He would say,
Your children are safe. They are resting in My arms. They are free and unbound. Set Your Eyes to Me, and I will lead you to the Place where you will find them once again.
one more word on suffering,
I don't like the word "suffer", It is not a place that I want to be. But it is good to look at the life of Job and see that in the midst of loss and despair, there is restoration. In a spirit of Praise, there is joy. There is a peace that transcends all understand. Even natural understanding. Our human minds cannot grasp the things of God, but our Spirits can soar though our bodies be tied to the ground.
Sometimes when we are lying on the floor bleeding, the only place to look is towards Heaven.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I don't think He wants us to be Sunday Morning Christians, worried about our manicures or what is happening the reality television show of the week.
I want to hear how Jesus has touched the lives of strangers.
There is something intriguing to me about how He reveals Himself to people in so many unique and wonderful ways.
One day I came across a story about a woman who claims that Jesus spoke to her.
She said that she grew up with heart problems, but Jesus told her that He allowed her to have heart problems because, through her condition, she learned to have compassion for others.
I was driving one day and, for the strangest reason, I began to reflect on people who were born with holes in thier hearts.
I"ve often heard of tiny babies that are born with very small holes in thier hearts. Jesus spoke to me about people who have holes in their hearts.
The holes allow the Light to shine through..... He whispered.....
I began thinking about how each of us has some sort of hole in our heart. Some are literal. Some are metaphorical. But each of us has been hurt or damaged in some way.
Perhaps, it is so the Light can shine through us...
Perhaps, the hurt we share unites us in some way and if we would only allow the Light to pass through those holes, lives could be illuminated.
Our past hurts allow us to connect with others in ways that are very real and often very meaningful. They provide a depth to our spirit.
If you are suffering from an ailment or condition, I know that there are so many questions. Today, ask Jesus for wisdom. Ask Him to show you why or how your condition has caused you be stronger.
Something tells me that He will answer you.
I am fortunate not to have any major health issues. But there are many things that I have gone through that I do not understand. Read my blog from the beginning and you will know what I am talking about.
On a lighter note, I was born with a large nose.
It's not overwhelmingly large, but I was very self conscious of it as a teenager and child. Kids used to pick on me about it incessantly.
When I was a teenager, I was playing baseball and my nose became injured. I took the opportunity to use the surgery to make my nose just a wee bit smaller. Now, it's slightly crooked, but I no longer let it bother me.
My big nose has made me a stronger person.
Now, I like my nose.
I sometimes wish I hadn't lopped off the little bump that used to rest in the center of my nose.
God gave me that nose. It is my dad's nose.
I like my nose :)
Dear Lord, let others see beauty, even in the midst of adversity. Let others learn to see thier weakness as a stepping stone for something much greater. Dear Lord, let others learn to see themselves as Your Creation.
Something that I believe is more than chance.
God answered someones prayer.
Several months ago, I contacted Open Door Ministries. ODM is an organization that connects women in prison to volunteers.
I contacted them out of the desire to share Jesus to women in prison through the form of letters.
When I went to Open Door, they told me of a lady named Anje. They told me that she wrote beautiful stories about the wonderous workings of God in her life.
There is a lot of red tape to go through before I could begin writing Anje and other women in prison. Background checks, letter of recommendation, videos to watch...etc, etc....
Yesterday, it was pressed upon my heart and mind to begin wrapping up the process so that I begin sharing Anje's stories.
It seems that I haven't had a lot of time lately. Between work, taking care of my boys, writing my blog, visiting with my sister from North Carolina....things have been a little hectic...
But I have been thinking of Anje lately.
Today, I retrieved my email and lo and behold, there is a message waiting from a lady who attends my church.
She has known Anje for over twenty years. She told me that she drew Anje to Jesus over twenty years ago. She told me that Anje lost her son and was very grieved. She turned away from God out of anger. She developed addictions as a way to deal with the pain. Her addictions caused an accident that killed someone's son.
Oh, what a tragedy! I am so sad for everyone involved!
Anje rediscovered Jesus in prison. She writes beautiful stories. I know this because one of the ladies at Open Door shared one of her stories with me.
Jesus gives her dreams and speaks to her.
As I was reading this message, the lady at church told me that she was speaking with Anje and Anje was telling her about a lady that wanted to include her stories on a blog. (that would be me)
Anje has been looking forward to sharing her stories on my blog for months but it seems that it hasn't been able to happen.
God provided a way for Anje to begin sharing her stories. The lady at my church offered to send me some.
Of course, I had no idea that the lady at church even knew Anje. I believe God orchestrated all of this because He wants Anje's stories to be told.
I find it to be quite miraculous.
There is a hole in my heart still for all those involved.
Please take a moment to pray for peace in the family that was affected by the tragedy.
Please pray that they find complete restoration and God heals them.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose a child.
I can't blame Anje for turning to drugs to mask the pain of losing her own child.
I only pray that Jesus works to completely heal, to let each person involved be reassured that thier child is waiting for them in a Wonderous Place.
Each child is resting in the arms of Jesus.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I was deeply blessed reading it and I hope you are too...
A few months ago, I attended a church service and a pastor told us that Jesus gave him a message for us...
Expect the Unexpected.
As I was reading "Come Away my Beloved," I came across a chapter entitled none other than
"Expect the unexpected"
It bids us to throw caution to the wind. To let go and Let God...
I was both challenged and inspired...
I would like to include an except from her book.. Read it, and be blessed
Have I not said that unless you experience chastening, you may wll doubt your sonship? Why then, should you shrink from my rod of correction? You are not the teacher, but the pupil; not the parent, but the child; not the vine, but the branch.
Discipline and correction must come if you would be brought into conformity to My divine will. Shun nothing My hand brings to bear upon your life.
Accept My blessings and My comfort, but do not despise My sterner dealings. All are working toward your ultimate perfection.
Do you hope to be made perfect apart from the corrective process? Do you expect to bear large fruit without the pruning process? No, my children, either bend in submission to My hand, or you will break in rebellion.
Godly sorrow yields the good fruit of repentance, but if you are brittle and unyeilding, you shall know a grief of spirit for which there is no remedy. Keep a flexible spirit, so that I may mold you and shape you freely- so that I can teach you readily, nor be detained by your resistance.
I need disciplined Christians. To entertain self will is to court disqualification. You cannot do My work to My satisfaction except you do it in accordance with My specifications. There are not many blueprints for one building; there is only one. Even so, to change the figure, there are not many different husbandmen. I am the husbandman. If you refuse My loving care of you, you shall be cut down by others who have no concern for your soul. Even as I said of the salt: if it lose its savor, it is good for nothing but shall be trodden under the foot of man. If the branch bear no fruit, men shall gather it and burn it.
Do not relax in a false peace. Do not negate My love by refusing My discipline. My love is not indulgence. I have much to accomplish in fulfilling My will. I cannot pamper your will when it is running counter to Mine.
Be no longer spoiled children, allowing the old nature to invade your spiritual fellowships. For while there are jealousies and competition and suspicions, you are yet allowing the carnal nature to reign-even to infiltrate your spiritual gifts.
By the same Spirit that created the Universe, by the same wonderous threads of light that stitched the ocean to the shores,
mend the hearts and minds of those that seek you.
Humble us, O' Lord...that we may walk in meekness
and shun greed.
This life is marked with grief. Tragedy and wrongdoing is abundant.
But Lord, teach us to hold onto the Promise of your Word.
Teach us to cling to every prayer, every syllable, every lesson.
Let us take comfort in your Presence, where nothing else is needed, and all
In your Light, Lord, there is perfection. In your Light, there is an undescribable Peace.
There is a joy that knows no limits.
It is the Light of Heaven...and It never dims, never falters, never wavers.
Your Light is a Light that lives. It is a consuming fire.
Dear Lord, I thank you!
For, I have seen that Light in my dreams.
I have experienced It's wonder and awe.
"For God, Is a Light,"
I have tasted a very small portion of the Living God..
and I hunger and thirst for more!
I have set my foot inside Eternity...
today, and for the rest of my days, I long to share that Light with others.
The Light where love lives..
The Light where kind words flourish..
The Light that clothes the naked, feeds the hungry, takes care of the orphans...
The Light that speaks to us and calls us to be disciples...
In Your Light, Lord, no harm or lies can live...
So reader, be encouraged. Be inspired.
Seek Him. Breathe Him..
Give Him your time, Surrender...
He will bid you to take these little pieces of Light
and make them grow.
In each of us there is a candle...we are wicks..made for His Holy Spirit...
we determine how large we want our flame...
Do not hide your Light, dear reader.
together, we can become a huge fire..
a fire consisting of His wonderous Spirit...
It grows when we spread it..
Tonight, I want to remind that you, yes you, can touch thousands of lives. Not just one...but thousands...
Last night, I was lying in bed..and all of sudden, I became instantly aware of the passing of time. With each passing moment..with each ticking of the clock, a living, breathing soul is lost to darkness....
Last night, I had been tempted to watch the news....or fritter away time in some self indulgent way,....I was lying there doing nothing...and It hit me....
The sense of urgency that I sometimes feel, returned to me...
I began to feel the call of the Holy Spirit, beckoning me.....so I sat in my big, fluffy red papasan chair...and I asked Him to help me write...
And He did!
So I wrote....I wrote a letter to a boy I know who is very lost...
and I began my book, "His Little Book of Light"
I have always dreamt of writing a book...
Yesterday, I recieved a book in the mail entitled, "Come Away My Beloved."
It was written as if Jesus is speaking to us...
It encouraged me. It inspired me...
I began to pray all day yesterday. I realized that I have grown somewhat slack in my walk with God.
I realized that I want more...I need more of Him...
I want to write. I want to encourage others, but I cannot do it on my own...
Words from my mouth are meaningless unless I learn to truly inhale and exhale the One who Breathed Life in me....
One day, a long time ago Jesus told me that I would touch thousands...
Dear Blog Readers, whoever you are, so can you...
If it is your desire, have the faith...ask Him to use you in great ways...
Ask and it shall be given unto you"...
I know there are so many lost people out there. The widow, the orphan, the sick, and the poor...
He has called us to Act...
and yet, so often, we adopt ways that are self indulgent...
Today and every day, Let us learn to ask, Jesus, what can I do for you? and not the other way around.... Jesus, what will you do for me?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Jesus gave us instructions on how to speak. He told us that the tongue is like a flame that can set fires. It is dangerous. But, yet...our words can build...they can mend and put together..
they can act as honey to soothe...
I wrote the following piece about a month or so ago....It's an introduction to a poem..and a poem...
I know that Jesus wants all marriages to suceed...but I also know that Jesus doesn't want wives or husbands, for that matter...to be lied to..cheated on....put down...etc. The bottom line is that it takes two.....
Life for stale love
…….a long time ago, I wrote a poem about my marriage…It was becoming very dull and monotonous…there was an insane amount of lost trust, boredom, broken promises..etc..etc…..this poem illustrates some of my disallusionment ..but also shows that there is Hope!
I have been separated for a year. I believe that God wants marriages to work. I know he does. Marriages are unbeliveably hard to keep together these days. It seems that corruption is running rampants in people’s hearts, minds, and souls….
Many people don’t believe in the Bible. Many people are disallusioned with “religion” and church..because of the hurt that people cause. I haven’t always lived a Christian lifestyle, but I have had so many experiences with the supernatual…the more I seek, the more I find….
Marriages….I believe that God can use His Light to thread together what has been ripped and shredded…the hurt that emanates in people’s lives..
the question is: Will we let Him? It’s hard to forgive. It’s hard to let go. I have found a true beauty in letting go of the hurt and anger that once consumed me! There were nights when I couldn’t sleep. I seethed with anger and resentment. I plotted revenge. I hated! But Jesus showed me that I am worth more. I don’t have to endure abuses, adultery..or any mistreatment for that matter…but He still wants things to work..
He wants us to surrender our lives, give ourselves wholly and totally to His care and command…He will lead us into Truth..and Light…and in that Light is the most surreal sense of peace..and a divine depth and beauty that no words can express…
I hope you enjoy my poem…I am going to try to recreate my past in words…and then introduce the Light…the Light that cures all, sees all, and wonderfully threads together brokenness…..
There was such hope for our relationship. Mexico, traveling ….Glamis..
I bought two ATVs for our little dream. I thought we would rip the sandunes in half.
A long road was paved in my mind. A road of possibilities and dreams. I thought the road was carved with yellow bricks, winding and carving like a freshwater river…leading into great and wonderful places.
But it seems that the river was only a puddle of mud and the yellow brick has evaporated and turned to dust.
I feel as if you left me a trail.
A trail of breadcrumbs…broken promises…that you wanted me to follow. Broken promises…. the strength of words…words that leave a trail of hope..they are like a carpet being pulled from under the feet…I am left sitting in the dirt.
So, the trail of rotten breadcrumbs led to a dead end..a place where airports seemed to be closed and all travel ceased.
Mexico, it seemed, had been blown off the map. Lost, somewhere in space and time…
But is all lost?
I know our love was a dead, stale thing…it had changed. Metamorphasized..turned into something green…and putrid
The wine we drank, our special cup of promises, had turned sour….We had turned to mold, the substance of all things sticky and green..weighted down with a slime that smothers out life…
and changes the composition of things….
We chose darkness…and it killed.
The fruit, D. We chose to eat from a tree from which we had no business eating from..
I can see us..waltzing into Eden..to the sound of invisible flutes…We were like adders summoned to dance by sound…
We coiled around each other..and gained knowledge…but we somehow managed to squeeze the life from one another. ..The coils were like vines that pulled from the gut the smell of rot….
dead leaves, turned dry..only used for burning.
I longed for fire. For the colors..the dazzling reds, the full, bright oranges…the dancing of the flames….
It seemed we tangoed into an oven for want of colors but found we were singed by the licking of the flames.
Isnt’ that what darkness does? It lures like bait..then destroys..
But is all lost?
D, we became content in our routines… the daily cogs that spin..the rusty cables..those mechanical things that mete out time in measures of 30 minute sitcoms.
Salud…a toast to a lifeless marriage.
The wine, D.
We watched life flitter past, but we chose not to embrace or sail on its wings. We were lost in the “knowledge.”
Dumbed by it somehow.
We were bats with photophobia, fearing Light.
Fearing the Son.
and the sound of our own voices.
Our voices were lost in the coils of our bellies.
Trapped in emptiness wider than canyons run deep. Our bat cave, D. Our humble abode. The little white trailer, where weeds ran rampant and flowers refused to grow.
Or perhaps, they grew….I just didn’t notice.
We lived in our own little cavern of darkness….
I had a want of Light but I was stubborn and refused to fly toward it….
we were bats, D.
Bats drowning in the stale wine of broken promises….eeking out little red bubbles of lies..
I’m sorry, D but I hated.
I hated the pools of drool by your pillow. To me, they were little puddles of lies seeped from a dark heart…pools that carved rivers of tears across my face and kept me up at night drowning in anger…
Hating. Hating the broken promises….
hating Mexico, for fear of never feeling the sun on my back or the wind in my hair….
hating the television….it seemed like I was replaced by episodes of shows….
you left Cheeto fingerprints on the remote..but no fingerprints on the still of my back..on the delicate parts of my shoulder…or perhaps you did….
Perhaps, I didn’t notice..the lies drowned out so much….the sound of white noise….drowned out too many sounds..
Life back then was life an endless game of Chinese water torture.
Drop. Drop. Drop…
but there was no water falling on my head…..all was dry…ash…reminding me that nothing sacred lived in our little white trailer.
I dreamt, D.
I dreamt in color…My life was black and white.
Old reruns of shows. Nothing new. I longed for the ocean….I loved the waves…simply because they progressed. They seemed to move forward…towards something….They seemed to embrace the Light..with strong strong arms…they held it to their watery chest…
D, when God beckons the waves to move…They Move! They Go!
D, I tried mushrooms once. The slimy fly covered concoction that grows from cow dung. I thought I could squeeze out a song. But no song came. Well, songs came..but they had no meaning..they were cloaked in futility…dead words on a dead page.
NO song…only confusion, D.
And a fuzzing of the walls…The fuzz that grows on things of rot….
D, I remember when I wanted my life to end. There were tiny white pills…little white disks of death..a few found their way into my gut..and summoned death…but funny, they acted like little boomerangs…that somehow flew into my still beating heart and woke it up…
funny how sometimes being so near Death, bids us to Live…to reach out for the Light…
D, Is all Lost?
No, D…it isn’t… You see, there has always been that Light…It is a Light that is pure..and when it is embraced, it metes out time in measures of eternity…
D, It shines like rivers of living water into dry and dusty lives….It longs to flood the canyons, D.
That Light saved me, D. The Light has a name, D. Jesus. No, He isn’t the man they ridicule on sitcoms…He is the Son of God and In Him, there is a true power.
He takes the dead things and makes them live again.
He made me forgive you, D. Even when I didn’t want to forgive. But He showed me that I don’t have to live in the shadow of lies and I don't have to walk the trail of broken promises. He showed me that I am more than the substance of rot…that sharing love makes good things grow…
D, Jesus showed me Mexico. I haven’t looked back. That place of promise and beauty, where the sun shines and birds make nests in all places under the sun.
I can see Him, shaking out my life like shaking out dusty linen….and breathing something like prisms into my very core…that is part of His power….
D, when I went to visit you the other day…..I want to thank you for your kindness..for handing me the Dr. Pepper and offering me a place to stay….
I began to wonder….if simple, tiny acts of love can act as a needle to thread together all that has been broken.
For, it’s no wonder, that my Jesus wants marriages to work! I am sad that people have quit altogether over lesser things than I have endured….I’m sad, D…
Because the past still exists and the hurts still remain…I can see us….we are standing on opposite shores…Jesus, is on an island in the center….If we look at Him together, our eyes will meet…..and the Light will produce a rainbow in our lives….but if we look in opposing directions….then, we can remain friends and call it a day…..but, D..I will never go back into that cave.
I know where my eyes are, D….They are on the Man that showed me Mexico…He loves you too, D… Find Him…He’ll take you out of the cavern and show you sunshine.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
1“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
2Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
3Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
9“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.”