One step forward, how many steps back?

The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender... Proverbs 22:7


For the past few weeks, I have felt as if ..with every attempt to move forward, I have only been pushed backwards..
a downward spiral..
a slow descent.

I'll explain.. Well, first of all, I am exaggerating.. but once you read this post, you will fully understand what I'm talking about.

As most of you know, I have taken to making video blogs that I post on my facebook page. Well, the other night..I made a video blog about three very strange experiences in my life and what God has shown me through each one of them. The video turned out to be long. I made it in two segments. One segment was over twenty minutes. The second segment was 34 minutes.
Needless, to say, I invested a lot of time and thought into the making of this particular video. I felt it was important and wanted to leave people with a clear image of what I felt God was showing me.
Well, lately, I have been having "technical difficulites" with my "smart" phone.

After making this uber long video, the entire first segment completely goes missing. Seriously. It literally disappeared off of my phone..without a trace..vanished into thin air..

So, I remake the first segment..only this time, I invest thirty more minutes into the video.. Same thing . Disappeared.

The other night, I made Yet another video attempt. This one was warning people of the dangers of astrology, pyschic powers, and things that might "seem" harmless, but nevertheless, harbor the demonic..
Well, can you guess what happened?
Disappeared.

So, I have chocked it up to a severe glitch in my phone, and I have decided to start making videos with my camera. Truthfully, however, I am glad that the videos disappeared..because during the course of the last few days, I feel as if God has shown me that the first video might have been misconstrued by some people, and that I really needed to clairify some things before proceeeding to tell the stories of my experiences.

So, it all had a purpose, after all.
But yet, it still seemed like one step forward , while moving nowhere.

Round two of the hamster wheel, came with finances.

In about two months, I was on schedule to be one hundred percent debt free. I have been anticiipating this moment for the course of the past few years. I have diligently worked and have done all I can to smother the engrossing embers of the slavery of debt, and I finally found myself coming out of it's suffocating flames...

Two months..
but then,
Yesterday, as I was drivng to work, my engine failed on my car. I need a new engine and it isn't going to be cheap.
My initial reaction was unbelief.. Unbelief turned into disgust.. I even had the audacity to  briefly wonder why God would allow my engine to self destruct.
I thought of all of the times that i had given and been faithful..and, for a quick moment, I half expected some sort of divine intervention.
But I was humbled as I realized some things.
God is not there to do my bidding. He sent His son to die for me. That is enough. To expect money to fall from the sky like rain, is enough to equate God to a finanical genie.
Third, It is only a hunk of metal.
It is not the end of the world.
Life goes on, and God is good..
Fourth, the reason the engine failed in the first place is my fault. Yep, I didn't tend to it the way that I should have..I neglected routine maintence. The engine is man made. They fail, as do all things created with the hands of men.

I regret ever even playing the pity card even for a moment.

And yesterday, God showed up for me through every helping hand and gracious smile. I am fortunate enough to have family who is going to let me borrow a vehicle until mine gets fixed. I had coworkers drive to meet me in the predawn hours in the cold..to see if they could be of any assistance.

It's metal. I think of all of the families and people grieving over important things, and I am saddened that a blown up piece of man made steel could affect me in any way, shape, or form.

What's another few months of debt?
Big deal if I get pushed back..even when trying to move forward?
maybe sometimes, God pushes us back to keep us humble, and to allow us to see full circle..
To remind us, that "things are only things" and the most valuable things can be found in Him and in family and friends

_________

on another note, today I had the honor of typing up a newsletter for women in prison.
I cry everytime I read their stories. They humble me and allow me to see how vast is God's Grace..

I think of the verse, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy." I also think of the verse that says, "let mercy triumph over justice.."
Do you notice that when something goes wrong or someone does something that we deem offensive or hurtful, our first reaction is for a good dose of "justice."
But when we are merciful, we too, will receive mercy.
Let mercy be your heart's cry.. Seek the Father and ask Him to give you a heart of mercy.

A part of the newsletter that I found inspiring is how God is delivering these women from smoking through fasting and prayer. At a prayer meeting, they left thier lighters and cigarettes on the alter and haven't smoked since.

 Anyhow, I want to share two poems written by a woman in prison. Her name is Krystal Jordan.

Me

Do you know what it’s like..

To never want to be alive?

Into the great abyss to want to dive?

To wonder why the world is such a rotten place?

Or why anyone would want to be in this rat race?

Do you know what it’s like..

To  be a little girl with monsters in your bed?

To be 26 with their images still inside your head?

To always need a place to hide?

For no one to ever be on your side?

Do you know what it’s like…

To be beaten black and blue?

But never able to say who?

To listen as your siblings cry?

To watch your sister die?

Do you know what it’s like…

To have a mom that didn’t  care?

To have a dad that was never there?

To have to get high so you can be numb?

For your best friend to be a bottle of rum?

Do you know what it’s like..

To be too blind to really see?

To be held captive and never be free?

Do you know what it’s like…

To be me?

Krystal Jordan, 2010

“A New Me”

Do you know what it’s like…

To be completely blind to the me you’ve all seen?

Then all of a sudden see with eyes so keen?

To think you’ve given up on life, then be filled with faith?

To have written upon your heart, all the Lord saith?

Do you know what it’s like…

To be drowning in sorrow and strife?

To be saved by grace and given everlasting life?

To walk with Jesus hand in hand?

Like the ocean and the sand?

Do you know what it’s like…

To really want to be alive?

Into the Father’s mercy to want to dive?

To no longer need to run or hide?

To know the Great I Am is forever on your side?

Do you know what it’s like…

To be so in love you can no longer live on a whim?

For your greatest desire to be to live only for Him?

For the hand of the Almighty to collect all of your tears?

To be given the power to overcome all of your fears?

Do you know what it’s like…

To know God’s son died for you, to become a mediator?

So that your relationship could be restored with the Creator?

For your Spirit to quicken and recognize what’s true?

To be made completely new?

Do you know what it’s like…

To know, to believe, to finally be free?

Do you know what it’s like…

To be me?

Krystal Jordan, 2012