this past week has been one of the most humbling and humiliating weeks that I have experienced in a very long time.
I feel as if I have been crushed by betrayal.
This week, I have been seized by fear. Fear has taken the strongest parts of me and held me like a vice.
Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear.
Fear of women that I have have never seen. Fear of the ones I have.
One night I had a dream. I tried to make myself beautiful. I painted my face.... I was wearing a very pretty dress.... But still, no one wanted me....
I refuse to listen to the lies that I'm not good enough. If a man wants shallow things, then he will have a shallow life.....all I can do is try ..with all of my might..to wash my hands of the pain, forgive, and go on with a new strength and a new determination.
This week, the shallow parts of me have wanted to cause pain. The shallow parts of me have even lashed out at people who didn't deserve it....
our hurt never gives us an excuse to cause someone else pain. Never.
There is a shallow part of me that wants my husband to pay. That wants justice! But there is this very real, Jesus centered part of me that only wants to see him finally come to the Cross and to turn away from the damaging life he leads.
This week I have felt sick to my stomach. I have felt a hollow in my gut that my husband used to fill.
I was trying to be friends with him. We would talk on the phone everyday...sometimes for an hour...
and now, even that is gone.
I hope that I can take all of the hurt that I feel and reach out to someone else that desperately needs it...
our pain should never be wasted.... we can use it to make ourselves stronger by strengthening the hurting people around us...
The other day I was at starbucks and I accidentally backed into a car. I waited for the lady to come outside. She kept thanking me for not running off. I thought it was sad that running off has become the norm. I saw a Jesus fish on her car.. I know that having fish on our cars doesn't necessarily mean we are living as we are called to live....but those fish give me hope that there are still decent people left in this corrupt world.
I told her that I liked her fish. I told her that I was sorry for hitting her car and I told her that I was going thru some things. She told me some of her story and we hugged. We hugged each other tightly, and, at that moment, we were two fish....in a great big sea of people...that just needed each other.
She called me her Christmas angel, but I think that she was mine.
Love still reedems us.
When we are hurt, it's hard not to cast our stones. I have cast my own stones this week. I have actually hit a few people on the head with my stones...
but, tonight...I just want to put them down.... My arms are too heavy...and a broken heart can only be free when it learns to let go of the stones....
The other day..I was walking thru the garden center...and I saw all of this beautiful life springing up around me....I thought that much of heaven is going to look like a garden...colorful and maybe there will be water globes too. And hopefully some wind chimes. I find them soothing.
_______
In all of my hurt and desperation, I found myself scrolling thru the personal ads hoping to find someone to talk to, simply to take my mind off of the hurt that I am experiencing.
But then I remberered what God showed me months ago - NO man can ever fulfill me like He can.
I don't want to fall into the arms of a man as a vulnerable, helpless creature...
I want to be strong..brave, fearless..I need to love and forgive those who have hurt me. I need to realize that I can be happy on my own.
We should all come to a place where we aren't afraid to be happy with just ourselves.
We were created in the image of a loving God.... I pray that we can all learn to love and forgive ourselves in such a way that we don't feel the need to fill our lives with people who hurt us and cause us severe emotional damage.
God wants us drama free. It took me a long while to realize that.
Our sins stir up strife and create drama and life isn't meant to be lived that way.
I'm not saying that we should all divorce our spouses and end our relationships....I'm simply saying that we need to find a place of rest at the foot of the Cross...
Seek Him for guidance and counsel, but if there is some severe drama...just get away in order to seek Him...
For all those that are going thru a hard time in your relationships, remember that you are beautiful. You are worth so much. You are loved by a man who died to know you. You don't have to let your situation define you. You are called to rise above it..not cater to the fleshly part of you that longs for revenge...
You are better than that. Walk away if you need to, but if you walk...let the light of the cross guide your very footsteps..otherwise, you will walk blindly towards danger. Let the cross lead back to love....
God's love..is what ..reedems us.
without it, we are lost and sometimes disgusting creatures.....
we need God's love
I feel as if I have been crushed by betrayal.
This week, I have been seized by fear. Fear has taken the strongest parts of me and held me like a vice.
Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear.
Fear of women that I have have never seen. Fear of the ones I have.
One night I had a dream. I tried to make myself beautiful. I painted my face.... I was wearing a very pretty dress.... But still, no one wanted me....
I refuse to listen to the lies that I'm not good enough. If a man wants shallow things, then he will have a shallow life.....all I can do is try ..with all of my might..to wash my hands of the pain, forgive, and go on with a new strength and a new determination.
This week, the shallow parts of me have wanted to cause pain. The shallow parts of me have even lashed out at people who didn't deserve it....
our hurt never gives us an excuse to cause someone else pain. Never.
There is a shallow part of me that wants my husband to pay. That wants justice! But there is this very real, Jesus centered part of me that only wants to see him finally come to the Cross and to turn away from the damaging life he leads.
This week I have felt sick to my stomach. I have felt a hollow in my gut that my husband used to fill.
I was trying to be friends with him. We would talk on the phone everyday...sometimes for an hour...
and now, even that is gone.
I hope that I can take all of the hurt that I feel and reach out to someone else that desperately needs it...
our pain should never be wasted.... we can use it to make ourselves stronger by strengthening the hurting people around us...
The other day I was at starbucks and I accidentally backed into a car. I waited for the lady to come outside. She kept thanking me for not running off. I thought it was sad that running off has become the norm. I saw a Jesus fish on her car.. I know that having fish on our cars doesn't necessarily mean we are living as we are called to live....but those fish give me hope that there are still decent people left in this corrupt world.
I told her that I liked her fish. I told her that I was sorry for hitting her car and I told her that I was going thru some things. She told me some of her story and we hugged. We hugged each other tightly, and, at that moment, we were two fish....in a great big sea of people...that just needed each other.
She called me her Christmas angel, but I think that she was mine.
Love still reedems us.
When we are hurt, it's hard not to cast our stones. I have cast my own stones this week. I have actually hit a few people on the head with my stones...
but, tonight...I just want to put them down.... My arms are too heavy...and a broken heart can only be free when it learns to let go of the stones....
The other day..I was walking thru the garden center...and I saw all of this beautiful life springing up around me....I thought that much of heaven is going to look like a garden...colorful and maybe there will be water globes too. And hopefully some wind chimes. I find them soothing.
_______
In all of my hurt and desperation, I found myself scrolling thru the personal ads hoping to find someone to talk to, simply to take my mind off of the hurt that I am experiencing.
But then I remberered what God showed me months ago - NO man can ever fulfill me like He can.
I don't want to fall into the arms of a man as a vulnerable, helpless creature...
I want to be strong..brave, fearless..I need to love and forgive those who have hurt me. I need to realize that I can be happy on my own.
We should all come to a place where we aren't afraid to be happy with just ourselves.
We were created in the image of a loving God.... I pray that we can all learn to love and forgive ourselves in such a way that we don't feel the need to fill our lives with people who hurt us and cause us severe emotional damage.
God wants us drama free. It took me a long while to realize that.
Our sins stir up strife and create drama and life isn't meant to be lived that way.
I'm not saying that we should all divorce our spouses and end our relationships....I'm simply saying that we need to find a place of rest at the foot of the Cross...
Seek Him for guidance and counsel, but if there is some severe drama...just get away in order to seek Him...
For all those that are going thru a hard time in your relationships, remember that you are beautiful. You are worth so much. You are loved by a man who died to know you. You don't have to let your situation define you. You are called to rise above it..not cater to the fleshly part of you that longs for revenge...
You are better than that. Walk away if you need to, but if you walk...let the light of the cross guide your very footsteps..otherwise, you will walk blindly towards danger. Let the cross lead back to love....
God's love..is what ..reedems us.
without it, we are lost and sometimes disgusting creatures.....
we need God's love
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