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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

this past week has been really hard. Unusually and undeniably hard. Our family has experienced loss and tragedy in various ways. I'm still trying to catch my breath.

God showed me many things over the course of the past few weeks, but the enemy came and tried to rip everything out from under my feet. 

The other night, however, something beautiful happened. I was in my room.  The boys and I were getting ready for bed. I could feel the a wall of darkness all around me. It was so thick. Brendan started crying and kept getting something in his eye. Prior that he kept jumping around and refused to settle down and listen.  Cade was complaining about something. The atmosphere was very dark and I could literally feel darkness in the room.  I saw it for what it was. When I was tempted toward impatience and fussing, I found grace. I began to thank God for moments with my boys, even the rough ones..I began to thank Him in the midst of tragedy and intense warfare.. I could literally feel the darkness leave and a peace settle over us. Brendan stopped crying. Everything just stopped and all was still.

I had a realization that night. It may seem mundane to some, but if you really take the time to process it and realize it with your heart, it will bless you...I hope it sinks into you..
The realization was this...

some days I feel as if the world is cloaked in darkness. I can see it all around. But Jesus is literally right there with us. He tells us in His word that He will never leave us nor forsake us..but to actually call upon Him and have Him show up is beautiful. It made me realize that He is literally there. He had never left. He was there and all I had to do was to invite Him into the moment...

God changes so many things. He literally drives away the darkness, the fear, the confusion.

He is literally there with us, even though we do need see Him. We simply need to call upon Him to find Him.. He says, "Knock and I will answer, Seek and you will find."

Lately, I have been seeking. My spirit is becoming even more sensitive to things. I've thrown away some things that don't belong in my home. It is a good feeling, but also somewhat frightening. I am seeing more things in my spirit. I feel less like the world and I don't feel as if I can easily identify with many people. I feel alienated in some ways. 
But at the very same time, I can feel Jesus wanting to bring me to a new level in Him. Jesus tells us in His word that we will become more like Him..

"So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."  I think this verse if from 2 Corintians, chapter 3...

I feel as if I am growing in Him, but in some ways I feel he growing pains..
Anytime God desires to change us, it is a cutting away of the old self ..It isn't always easy.

Lately, I have felt the need to fast and pray for spiritual growth. God is answering that prayer. I have seen a lot during the course of the past few weeks, but spiritual growth is never an easy thing.

Yesterday, I gave up caffiene. Every time I would fast and pray, I would cut out caffine and end up with piercing migranes. they would literally cripple me. They were induced by caffiene withdrawal.
Caffiene proved herself to be a very potent drug. I became tired of struggling all the time with it, so I just gave it up... maybe, on occasion I'll imbibe..but not often. She is gone. Goodbye caffiene..

But would you know that as I made this decision..God's peace settled over me in the most beautiful of ways. Every now and again, I would feel like I needed my caffiene. It was a source of comfort, but lately my only true comfort has been time with Christ. It has been in seeking Him and knowing HIm and learning the true beauty of His prescence.

His Prescence is so beautiful and I wish that everyone would take the time to experience learn from let Him teach you..the lessons are never easy, but the path is never wide.

Please say some prayers for my family and please say some for me.
If you are going through a difficult  time, always remember that if you call upon Him, He will answer.
He will never leave you nor forsake you. Knock and keep knocking. Don't give up.
He is too beautiful to miss and eternity is too real to compromise.

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