I remember when I was a teenage girl, about 15 or 16...I obsessed over my weight. I think I had an eating disorder...although I didn't want to call it that. It seemed natural to me to want to be super skinny. The desire to be thin didn't really seem like a disorder.
There are so many scientific names for the simple concept of simply wanting love. Body Morphic Disorder.
Anorexia. Bulemia. What do the young girls and boys who have these disorders really want?
Probably just to feel loved and unconditionally accepted. To feel wanted.
When I was growing up, I struggled with self confidence. I looked for my "voice" but couldn't find it. I once read that girls who suffer from anorexia often look to thier eating, or lack therof, because it is the one area of thier lives they can control.
I couldn't control how others felt about me. But I could control what I ate. I could control, to some extent, what I looked like.
I guess I thought that by being attractive, I could reach some level of fulfillment. I remember people talking about how small I was..I think I reached 101 pounds on my 5' 6" frame. Not too exteme, but still I still longed to be even smaller.
I longed for attention, I guess. For fulfillment. But did I find it? No. When we aim to attract people with the shape our bodies, we will often draw in...like a magnet....seemingly shallow people.
So many people are just so shallow. Maybe that is an unfair statement. Maybe I am casting my stones...I hope not...
Sometimes it just seems that people have a one track mind. Looks and Beauty are so overrated!
So extremely overrated. I used to think that if I could only be pretty...I could feel loved.
I imagined what life would have been like if I looked like marilyn Monore...the beautiful blonde.
But was she happy? I don't think so. I vaguely recall reading about her personal misery and depression. On some level, even she realized how futile and fleeting beauty is... People often refer to how women who struggle with weight issues long to be like the women in the magazines.
I never really wanted to be any woman in particular. I simply didn't want to be the socially awkward person that I was.
I failed to realize that I am beautiful. There are unique things in each of us. Unique characteristics. We may not be physically perfect. But now, I'm not sure I would want to be.
I think it would cause too many complications. That may sound absurd. But I would probably struggle with vanity if I were drop dead gorgeous. Maybe I would be self absorbed. I don't want to be self absorded. I like the person that Jesus is molding me into. I am a person with a heart of love. To me, that is fulfillment. Giving hope and love to those around me ..who need it much much more than I do....that is the call of my Master. He doesn't care what I look like. He accepts me unconditionally.
I heard about a boy the other day. He was burned very badly. His face has very intense scarring. I talked to his aunt. The boy is only 14 years old. The age where boys long to be accepted. The age where they struggle with identity. I pray that this boy won't define himself by the scars on his face....rather I hope he finds solace in the scars of a Man I know. I hope and pray that this boy realizes that his worth doesn't diminish because of some scars on his face. I pray that he instead, he looks inside to find his strength.....not caring...or being concerned about what others may think.
People maybe aren't as mean as we often think. I think if people spot a weakness, they will jump on it like fish going after bait...If we let people know we are insecure, they will often prey upon us...use it to thier advantage...
But if we take a stand for something....the things that we believe in..then people will respect us...and love us....no matter what we may appear to be on the outside.
I remember when I was in high school, my pastor once told me...Rachelle, if you take a stand for Jesus, you could be the most popular girl in school. But I was insecure. People spotted it a mile away. I didn't take that stand. I wasn't very popular.
I thought it had something to do with my appearance.
My sister looks just like me. Sometimes people confuse the two of us.....She is 9 years younger than me. My sister was homecoming queen of her senior class. She looked just like me....but she took a stand. She didn't let people push her around. Or get her down. They recognized the beauty of her heart. She is quite pretty, as well. But I know why she won...becasue people could see Jesus in her...
I love you, Sarah! :).......
So today,,,walk in your uniqueness...maybe you feel like you aren't much now. Maybe, like me, you've done things that you aren't proud of.. maybe, like me, you are that small seed. But if you let God water you, you will grow. You life will be a great, big beautiful thing....by acting in love, by being lesser....we grow....we could be the biggest flower in the field.....
If you are a parent...tell your kids how much you love them..better yet, show them. Pray for them if you think they may have an eating disorder. My mother's prayers helped me.
Let them read this post. Let them know that they are loved. Simply loved.
refuse to listen to the lies...that darkness that invades our lives..when we let it...and tells us that we simply aren't good enough. because we are. we are created in His likeness. Even the very hairs of our head have a finite number. We are NOT called to be beautiful. We are called to love.
By embracing that love...not through the relection of a mirror....I am finding my roots. I am confident and self assured. My name is Rachelle, and I am finding roots. I pray that you will find yours..you are beautiful. You are loved.