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Sunday, May 22, 2011

the leftover girl...

I once had a nickname for myself.."the leftover girl"

I felt like I wasn't good enough for the finer things in life. I saw myself the way I thought others saw me.....only worthy of life's leftovers.

I guess I felt sorry for myself...

I was engaged a few times in my life.
During the course of my first engagement, my fiance one day offhandedly mentioned his ex girlfriend. He would mention his "ex" often. It became a considerable problem. I continally felt as if I were walking in someone else's shadow.
One day he mentioned how he had specially designed an engagement ring for her. He described how he had planned out a very unique, specially designed ring tailored to fit her perfectly.

When I got my ring, it happened to be his sister's ring from her divorce.
I don't think he meant to hurt me by this...but I guess on some level it hurt very deeply. I felt like I deserved the best...the specially designed ring.

When I met my husband, he too had an "ex." In this case, an ex wife. He offhandedly mentioned one day about he had bought her a very special, very expensive ring.
I later found out that he was secretly talking to his ex behind my when I got my very inexpensive looking ring....I thought that, once again, I was getting life's leftovers.

I began to feel as if I wasn't good enough for the good things. I saw myself through the eyes of man.

How many times have I been left hurt, bitter, and disappointed my men? By people? far far too many too count.

I could detail so many events in my life that speak of unfairness. I could outline the hurts...but it wouldn't do any good.

I had to let them go. There is a beauty in the "letting go."

But the one thing I have learned is that I am not His leftover girl. I walk in no ones shadow when I walk with Him. Instead, I walk in His Light. There are no shadows there.

He may not have a specially designed ring to fit my finger..but He has a specially designed plan and purpose to fit my life. I am not His princess...I am His servant...I serve now so that one day I can have those finer things...The treasures that I store up...The treasures that rust and moth cannot touch.

If only we could stop looking at ourselves based on the way we have been treated...and begin to see ourselves as He see us...

Today, recognize that you are more than how the world sees you. You are created in His image.
The very hairs of your head are numbered. He sees something where others don't.

Know that you are special. Know that you are loved.

I do not cast my stones at the givers of the rings. I want the best for them. I hope they find their way...I simply know that for my own life, I no longer to look to people for fulfillment. It leaves me empty every time.

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