The above pictures of my best friend, Andy. 1973-2007. One of the hardest things I've ever been through- losing my best friend. But aside from me, one of the most difficult things I have ever witnessed in my life is the image of a mother kneeling over the grave of her only son. That is an image that will stay with me for my entire life.
There were times when Andy and I would argue. I think we were both insecure. We didn't know how to love one another in the way that God intended. He would sometimes pretend he was macho and pretend that love was silly. I was dreadfully insecure. It made for some volitile and interesting days.
But I could see through the front that Andy would sometimes put up. I could see that he had a heart of love. He had a heart of goodness. He always wanted to help. He longed to see improvements in people's lives. He looked for order amidst all of the chaos.
Writing this blog about him is harder than I thought it would be. I had a dream about him the other night that brought him back to life. He was sitting in a room with me, and it was as though he had never left. It was as though he were still here.
I could see and remember details about him in the dream that I had forgotten. Little things. The stubble around his chin. The shape of his ears. I remembered them in this dream.
In life, we were together all the time. Or talking on the phone..all the time. We were threaded at the hip.I'm writing this because I hope that it will help someone else deal with death. When Andy died, I went through a great depression. A few weeks before his death, I re-dedicated my life to Jesus. I was intent on doing things "right."
I was very angry when Andy died because I felt that I didn't deserve the pain that I was facing. My life had been riddled with various hurts. I couldn't fathom yet another pain of a different name.
I thought that by making my life "right", I was exempt from hurt. I felt that I should be exempt from the pain of loss. From death. I truly thought that God hated me. I really believed that. That He hated me.
Then before I knew it, he was gone. In an instant. No suffering. Just gone.
A lot of times, we look at the circumstances of a person’s death and we think we can determine the fate of a person. We may think that a loved one isn’t in heaven. But God works in very mysterious ways.
Jesus showed me, through my own life, how there is a very real darkness that seeks to destroy us. That fear that Andy had was darkness. It was very real fear. A life-changing, life ending fear. But I felt like Jesus was telling me that even though the darkness may have claimed Andy’s body, his soul was with Jesus.
I was reading a facebook post of girl the other day. The girl was talking about how much she hated her sister. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and say, No! You don’t know. Today could be the last. I can see why the Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger. Because anger keeps us from His love. Anger causes hurt and regret. Anger sows seeds of darkness.
One day I will walk there with my friend and his family.
If you don’t know Jesus, accept Him into your life. You have nothing to lose and an eternity to gain. For you never know if this day will be you last.
God Bless you, Andy… I miss you